However he was determined he would see what a little applied cunning would do first. He locked himself into his office and took thought. After an hour's violent mental disturbance he penned a letter to the authorities, saying that his establishment was complete in all details, with the exception of one water-bottle. As, however, he had come by several superfluous knives, spoons and forks considerably exceeding the water-bottle in value, might they be taken in exchange and the account squared? The Government would be greatly the gainer thereby. Four days later he was notified that the transaction was approved. After waiting till he was reasonably certain that the correspondence was safely lost, burnt or consigned to impenetrable archives, he sent the following wire:-- "Reference my R.L.217, dated April 1st, for 'bottle' read 'cart.'" The reply came back, "Noted." PATLANDER. * * * * * [Illustration: ANOTHER TUBE CRUSH.] * * * * * [Illus: _Instructress_. "ALL YOU WANT NOW IS A LITTLE POLISHING."] * * * * * OUR WONDERFUL WORLD. "Three Geese and Gander, Four Chicks and Drake; all laying."-- _Bolton Evening News_ * * * * * "Mr. Marston, the President [of the Policemen's Union], stated that the time for action will arrive after the tripe alliance at Southport on June 24."----_Provincial Paper_ An offal prospect. * * * * * "The pages were in the khaki uniform of the Cadet Corps of the 1st-5th crepe de chine, trimmed with cream lace and blue crepe de chine, trimmed with cream lace and blue ribbons, and carried directoire silver-knobbed sticks, tied with blue ribbon and pink roses, gifts of the bridegroom."--_Mid-Devon Times_. The 1st-5th have always been famous for their dressiness. * * * * * THE ARCHAEOLOGISTS; OR, THE FIGHT AGAINST REACTION. MY DEAR KNOTT,--It has occurred to me that since the closing of our little V.A.D. depôt there is a good deal of energy in Filby without a suitable outlet, and I am writing to you on the matter as I feel sure you will have some helpful suggestion to make. Of course a great deal of this energy might be profitably expended on the ever-increasing spiritual needs of the parish, but I feel that if some society of a secular character were got up just now it would be helpful, especially to the female portion of our community. Miss Timlin has suggested a Philatelic Society, and I shall be pleased to hear your views on her proposal. Believe me, Yours ever sincerely, THEODORE BLAND.