Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 156, March 26, 1919 — John Shaqi
Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 156, March 26, 1919Various
General
Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 156, March 26, 1919
Various
English wit and humor -- Periodicals
* * * * *
OUR POPULAR GUIDES.
"HOW INFLUENZA MAY BE SPREAD."
_Headline in a Daily Paper_.
* * * * *
A correspondent writes: "It may interest you to know that I recently
received the following statement from a provincial branch of a
floor-cloth company:--
'Owing to some of the principal ingredients used in the
manufacture of floor coverings having been taken over by the
Ministry of Food, the price of the material is again advanced.'
Have you noticed it at all in your soup?"
* * * * *
THE HOUSE-HUNTER
Unless something is done for Higgins without delay the nation must
prepare to face a tremendous rise in the rate of mortality among
house-agents.
Soon after he came back from the War he began to adopt a threatening
attitude (as the police-court witnesses say) towards these gentlemen.
Recently he has gone beyond the threatening stage. If rumour can be
trusted, he has thrown at least six of them through their office
windows. He has taken a dislike to the whole tribe. They are, in his
opinion, a gang of criminals for whom no punishment could be too
severe, because they impose upon the public in general and Higgins in
particular, by continuing in business as if they were in a position to
let houses when, as a matter of fact, there are no houses for them to
let.
Higgins wants a house. Yes, incredible though it may sound, this man,
who for years has been content to dwell in a dug-out or consort with
creeping things in the confines of a canvas tent, and even on occasion
make his bed beneath the starry dome of heaven, with nothing in
between, has now developed a craving for a residence built of bricks
and mortar.
What is more, he expects the house-agents to find it for him, and,
since he considers the whole thing from the purely personal point of
view, their excuses for failing to do so are of no avail. The fact
that half a million other people want houses is nothing to him. He
ignores it. He believes that the house-agentry of the country has
hatched a gigantic conspiracy to keep him, Higgins, out of a home.
I have done _my_ best to put him out of his misery. After seeing the
poor wretch wear himself (and his boots) out in useless journeying to
and from the places where house-agents pretend to work I thought of a
scheme--not strictly original--for obtaining a house and presented it
to him without hope of reward.
"You are committing and error," I said.
"I shall commit a murder in a minute," he growled but, knowing what he
had suffered, I took no notice of the threat.
"Listen," I said; "all the habitable houses in England are occupied
and it will be years before the new ones are built. The painting of
"TO LET" boards has become a lost art. You are wasting your time in
looking for an _empty_ dwelling. Take my advice. Choose one that is
occupied, any one you fancy, and empty it."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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