Punch or the London Charivari, Volume 158, March 24, 1920.Various
General
Punch or the London Charivari, Volume 158, March 24, 1920.
Various
English wit and humor -- Periodicals
"I accept no responsibility for his methods," said Frederick
haughtily; "I merely profit by them. In any case I didn't _take_ your
hot water; I simply used it. You should live near the bath-house and
get up promptly when you are called, as I do."
"Well, I don't mind the British Navy ruling the waves," grumbled
Binnie, "but I object to its extending its sphere of influence over my
bath-water."
"It jolly well doesn't extend over mine," said Percival with pride.
"Frederick's 'Enery doesn't get the better of my Elfred. This morning
a queue, consisting of two perfectly good Loots, a really excellent
Skipper and a priceless Major were waiting for vacant baths. But was
Elfred Fry dismayed? To forestall an answer that might possibly be
wrong I may say that he wasn't. He promptly appropriated a cubicle
that happened to be unoccupied--"
"Really, my frowsty old Camembert, don't ask us to believe that they
had _all_ overlooked it," expostulated Frederick.
"Not for worlds would I endeavour to impose on your gentle trusting
natures. So far from their overlooking it the bath had been the
subject of earnest scrutiny, and they had all regretfully come to
the conclusion that it lacked one important attribute of a bath--it
wouldn't hold water. The plug was missing."
"And by a singular chance the plug happened to be in the possession of
your Elfred?"
"That is my case, me luds," said Percival simply. "If the silent Navy
wants to beat my Elfred it's got to rise very early in the morning."
"We shall see," said Frederick darkly. "I'm going to tell this tale to
the Marines."
That evening the troops had organised a stupendous boxing tournament
in the Recreation Hut. Binnie by invitation combined the offices
of referee, M.C. and timekeeper, and Frederick and Percival at the
ring-side unanimously disagreed with his verdicts.
"Most appalling decision," said Percival in a loud whisper. "The
referee has obviously been got at."
"Sh!" replied Frederick. "He hasn't been told it's a boxing contest.
He thinks it's a clog-dancing competition and is giving the points for
footwork."
Unfortunately the M.C. did not hear. He was speaking himself.
"The next bout should conclude our programme," he said, "but I am
asked to announce that Private Henson challenges Private Fry to box
six two-minute rounds, backing himself for five francs against a small
article of no intrinsic value."
Enthusiastic applause greeted the announcement. A disturbance in the
rear of the hut indicated that Elfred was heading for cover.
"'E 's twice my size," he wailed as strong hands hauled him back.
"The challenger admits that he holds a slight advantage in weight,"
continued the M.C., "but considers that is counterbalanced by his
advanced years."
"This is _your_ fiendish work," hissed Percival to Frederick.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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