Every few minutes I left my friends' names to say to myself, "I am terribly sleepy," or "I am falling asleep;" this was wrong, as the boiled onions had not had nearly five hours. "Relaxing all my muscles" was rather awkward, as one hand was filling the pillow with hops and the other was "holding a wet sponge," which _would_ drip water on the sheets. Another difficulty was "wafting myself in an imaginary aeroplane" to bring about "a state of oblivion and coma," which I might perhaps have done more easily by putting the hops to another use. I had to cut out the "recital of the Litany," partly because my friends' names had only got as far as George (Lloyd), and also because, being a Nonconformist, I don't know it. (I must learn it now the feuilleton is finishing.) But the most annoying part of the business was to find that, after all this elaborate preparation for sleep, I was to "take a brisk walk for half-an-hour" (whatever the weather conditions). Even this did not work, for by that time the milkmen and newsboys were heralding the dawn and kept my brain too alert. As a final effort, do you think you could produce a nightcap model of the Sandringham, or is it quite impossible for one who reads your paper to be anything but wideawake? * * * * * THE PERFECT PARTNER. There are, my Mabel, men who vow The perfect wife is theirs Because she smoothes the ruffled brow And drives away their cares; While there are others hold the view That she is best who'll pay Some trivial attention to Her promise to obey. Well, let each babble in his turn About that spouse of his; Not knowing you, how could they learn What true perfection is? Of all your sex you stand most high By far and very far Who mid your Christmas gifts can buy A smokeable cigar. * * * * * [Illustration: THE ECONOMISTS. SCENE.--_The Coalition Golf Club de luxe_. MR. BONAR LAW. "DARE WE HAVE CADDIES?" MR. LLOYD GEORGE. "NO, NO. WE ARE OBSERVED. THE PLACE IS ALIVE WITH ELECTORS." ("Watch your M.P.!"--_Poster of Anti-Waste Press_.)] * * * * * ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. [Illustration: THURSDAY. [After the Painting by W. DENDY SADLER.] SIR D. MACLEAN, MR. HOGGE, MR. G. LAMBERT, MR. G. R. THORNE, MR. ASQUITH, MR. ACLAND, GENERAL SEELY.]