_Ninth Player_ (_even more quickly_). "NELSON KEYS." _M. C._ (_beaming_). That's better. It's going well now. _Tenth Player._ "England expects----" _Ninth Player._ No, you can't say that. I could have said that, but you can't. _Tenth Player._ Why not? _Ninth Player._ Because "NELSON" is all over and done with. The new name is "NELSON KEYS." You ought to have thought of something connected with him. _Tenth Player._ If you'd said "KEYS" I might have done. But you said "NELSON KEYS," and the "NELSON" touched a spot. Isn't that right? _M. C._ Quite right. It's the only way to play. But may I once more ask that there should be no talking? We shall never be able to unwind if there is. Now, please--"England expects----" _Eleventh Player._ "Duty." _Twelfth Player._ "Bore." _Thirteenth Player._ "The Marne." (_Cries of astonishment._) _Various Players._ How can "bore" suggest "the Marne"? _M. C._ But it did. You mustn't mind. _Twelfth Player._ How did it? Just for fun I'd like to know. _Thirteenth Player._ Well, when I was on the Marne I used to see the marks on the ground made by them. _Twelfth Player._ By who? _Thirteenth Player._ The wild boars. (_Roars of laughter._) _Twelfth Player._ But I meant that duty is a bore--b-o-r-e. _M. C._ (_frantic_). It doesn't matter. It's what you think--not what is--in this game. But really we're in such a muddle, wouldn't it be better to begin again? You all know the rules now. _Hostess._ Perhaps "Clumps" might be better, don't you think? _M. C._ Just as you like. "Clumps," then. _The Deaf Player._ What is the word now? _A Player._ We're going to play "Clumps" instead. _The Deaf Player._ Mumps in bed? I'm sure I don't know what that suggests. That's very difficult. But I like this game. It ought to be great fun when we unwind. (_They separate for "Clumps."_) E. V. L. * * * * * [Illustration: _Fruiterer._ "ROYALTY 'ISSELF, MADAM, COULDN'T WISH FOR A BETTER PINEAPPLE THAN THAT." _Newly-rich Matron._ "WELL, IF ROYALTY CAN BITE 'EM I S'POSE I CAN. I'LL 'AVE IT."] * * * * * Headline to an article on ladies' fashions:-- "STOCKINGS COMING DOWN." This should make the hosiers pull up their socks. * * * * * "Several reasons, besides the claims of humanity, made the Eugenist favour schemes for abolishing the eugenist."--_Daily Paper._ We are inclined to agree with the Eugenist. * * * * * [Illustration: AT A FAT STOCK SHOW. "THEY'RE TWO SMART 'OGS, I ADMIT. BUT LOOK AT THE PRICE O' FOOD-STUFFS. YOU KNOW YERSELF IT DON'T PAY ANYONE TO FEED THESE DAYS."] * * * * * MISPLACED BENEVOLENCE.