It is rumoured that the repeated assassinations of General VILLA have made it necessary for him to resign his position as Permanent Chief Insurgent to the State of Mexico. * * * _The Morning Post_ has remarked that nowadays the Eton boy is often reduced to travelling third-class. It is hoped to persuade Sir ERIC GEDDES to disguise himself as an Eton boy during the holidays to see how it feels. * * * It is now admitted that the plum-pudding which was badly mauled by a small boy in the Hoxton district on Christmas Day began it by inviting his assailant to "come on." * * * D'ANNUNZIO is reported to be coming to a more reasonable frame of mind. Apparently he is disposed to allow Italy a certain measure of independence. * * * People step out into the road and never look to right or left, says a London coroner. This makes things far too easy for motorists. * * * Dr. A. GRAHAM BELL recently told a Derby audience how he invented the telephone. We note that he still refuses to say why. * * * We are informed that, on and after the 1st of January, Mr. CHURCHILL cannot undertake to refute the opinions of any writer who has not been officially recognised as a best seller. * * * A scientist has succeeded in putting a pea to sleep with electro-magnetism. The clumsy old method of drowning it in a plate of soup should now be a thing of the past. * * * General TOWNSHEND says that with seventy thousand men he could have conquered half Asia. But then he might have lost Mr. HORATIO BOTTOMLEY. * * * What we want now is something to make the world safe for those who made the world safe for democracy. * * * There is now on the market a new patent contrivance which gives warning when the contents of an oven are on the point of burning. We have secured a sample, but unfortunately our cook still relies on her sense of smell. * * * "Leather is now much cheaper," we read. Yet we have noticed no drop in the price of restaurant steak. * * * On January 1st the Ministry of Munitions will enter upon its second year of winding up. * * * * * [Illustration: OUR GOGGLERS. _First Girl in grandmotherly spectacles (to second ditto)._ "HOW FRIGHTFULLY OUT OF DATE THAT WOMAN IS. FANCY--LORGNETTES!"] * * * * * THE HAPPY HOOTS. Yes, it is nearly twelve now. In ten minutes we shall hear the bells--I mean the hooters. I wonder if there were hooters when TENNYSON wrote those popular lines about ringing in the New Year. Very likely he didn't hear them if there were, as there's nothing to show that he ever really stayed up late enough to see the New Year in. It's a pity, because the hooters would have fitted in to that poem most beautifully. The hooting idea is just what is wanted to give a dramatic contrast to the sugary ringing business. "Ring out the false, ring in the true"