Mr. CHAPLIN declares that missing the boat for England recently was the narrowest escape from death he has ever enjoyed. But for having been thus providentially prevented from visiting his native land in the company of Miss MARY PICKFORD and Mr. DOUGLAS FAIRBANKS (better known as "MARY" and "DOUG." respectively) he would have come back to the dear homeland all unprepared for what would surely have happened to him no less than it happened to his illustrious colleagues in the film world. Since his promised visit to our shores cannot long be delayed, he has already begun elaborate preparations for travelling in safety. He is growing a large beard and is learning to walk with his toes turned in. A number of his teeth will be blackened out during the whole of his European tour, and his hair will be kept well-ironed and cropped short. He has engaged a complete staff of plain-clothes pugilists to travel with him everywhere and to stand on guard outside his bathroom door. They will also surround him during meal-times to prevent admirers from grabbing his food to hand down to their children as heirlooms. He is being measured for a complete outfit of holeproof clothing, and his motor will be a Ford of seventeen thicknesses, with armoured steel windows, and fitted with first-aid accessories, including liniment, restoratives and raw steak. His entourage will include a day doctor, a night doctor, a leading New York surgeon and a squad of stretcher-bearers. It has been suggested to him that a further precaution would be not to advise the Press of the date of his arrival; but that he considers would be carrying his safety-first measures to a foolish extreme. * * * * * [Illustration: STOP-PRESS NEWS. _Observant Visitor._ "I SAY--EXCUSE ME, BUT YOUR HAT IS KNOCKED IN." _Farm Hand._ "WHOI, I'VE KNOWED THAT FOR THE LAST SEVEN YEAR."] * * * * * A TRAGEDY OF REACTION. It was a super-poet of the neo-Georgian kind Whose fantasies transcended the simple bourgeois mind, And by their frank transgression of all the ancient rules Were not exactly suited for use in infant schools. But, holding that no rebel should shrink from fratricide, His gifted brother-Georgians he suddenly defied, And in a manifesto extremely clear and terse Announced his firm intention of giving up free verse. The range of his reaction may readily be guessed When I mention that for Browning his devotion he confessed, Enthroned above the SITWELLS the artless Muse of "BAB," And said that MARINETTI was not as good as CRABBE. At first the manifesto was treated as a joke, A boyish ebullition that soon would end in smoke; But when he took to writing in strict and fluent rhyme His family decided to extirpate the crime.