Casting all scruples to the winds, seven desperate men rehearsed the password, "It is I, Arthur;" seven desperate men presented themselves in a single morning and murmured lovingly, "It is I, Arthur." None of them had a bath. Seven times the good lady opened the door and beheld Smith or Thompson or Lord Rumble or nobody. And seven times she bolted back into the burrow again. She remained undefeated. Her husband got his bath. I wonder what devilry she would be up to under the Sponge System. A. P. H. * * * * * A NOVELTY FROM THE PAST. "ANTIQUE, over a hundred years old, oak sideboard, brand new ... Apply after 6.30." _Evening News_. Surely after this candour there is no help to be got out of the twilight hour. * * * * * "Mr. Robert ----, who is now manager, entered his late employer's service three or four months after he commenced, and remained with him until he gave up." _Local Paper_. "They have their exits and their entrances"--the former in this case being the more satisfactory. * * * * * [Illustration: _Intending Purchaser_ (_to Artist, who is selling his house_.) "DID YOU PUT THOSE FIGURES ON THE WALLS?" _Artist_ (_modestly, though regarding them as a strong asset_.) "OH, YES--I--" _Intending Purchaser_. "WELL, THEY DON'T REALLY MATTER. A COAT OF WHITEWASH WOULD SOON PUT THAT RIGHT."] * * * * * WHEN AND IF. (_It is rumoured that Mr. BALFOUR is shortly going to the House of Lords_.) When BALFOUR goes to the Lords-- For the Upper Chamber's adorning-- The Lower House, if it has any _nous_, Will have solid reason for mourning; For he has no axes to grind; His strategy injures no man, And his keen sword play in the thick of the fray Is a joy to friend and foeman. When BALFOUR goes to the Lords, To strengthen that gilded muster, 'Twill be sad and strange if he has to change The name he has crowned with lustre; For already there's "B. of B.," A baron of old creation; And Whittingehame is an uncouth name For daily pronunciation. If BALFOUR goes to the Lords, Will the atmosphere, I wonder, With the placid balm of its dreamful calm Bring his nimble spirit under? Or will he act on the Peers Like an intellectual cat-fish, Or startle their sleep with the flying leap Of a Caribbean bat-fish? If BALFOUR goes to the Lords-- But can the Commons spare him? Besides I'm sure that a coronet's lure Is the very last thing to ensnare him; And I'd rather see him undecked With the gauds that merely glister, In the selfsame box with PITT and FOX And GLADSTONE--a simple Mister.