At the moment I am writing to the sounds of _K-K-K-Katie_, which, I fear, is giving me rather a syncopated style. But if the Editor is k-k-k-kind he will not banish me from _P-P-P-Punch_ for this reason, as anyone can see my intentions are g-g-g-good. Stay! _K-K-K-Katie_ has ceased and I can think lucidly. An inspiration has come to me. Has not Elizabeth in her time wrought havoc among my crockery? The hour is ripe for me to retaliate. To morrow at dawn I shall examine the gramophone records and--_they will come in two in my hands_. It will be the first time I have broken any record. * * * * * [Illustration: _Wife_ (_to husband being bundled in as train moves off_). "DID YE GET RETURN TICKETS?" _Husband_. "NOA (_puff_)--DIDN'T 'AVE TIME."] * * * * * "MISUSE OF RESEARCH GRANTS. By Professor ----, F.R.S." _Sunday Paper Poster_. We refuse to believe it. * * * * * THE CONSPIRATORS. III. MY DEAR CHARLES,--Essential to that millennium which our restless revolutionaries are after is your head on a charger and my head on a charger; provided both heads are present it may be the same charger for all they care. When you think of the importance which we of the detested middle classes attach to our heads and the regrettable violence we might exhibit towards whoever called at our houses to collect them, then it seems to me you must confess to a sneaking admiration for the bravery of the turbulent minority in attacking so big a problem. But when you get the inside details of their schemes you find that discretion is not only the better part but the whole of their valour. For arms you find incendiary speeches; for ammunition, viperish propaganda, and for epoch-making action you have nothing. In that "nothing" lies their main ingenuity and strong hope. If they can prevail on the masses to do nothing, at the right moment, and to go on doing nothing till there is nothing left, then, say they, they will have civilisation under; and if our heads don't fall off of their own accord then a thousand willing hands will be stretched forward to pull them off.