Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VOLUME 93. AUGUST 20, 1887. * * * * * THE PLEASANT TRAVELLER'S CONVERSATION-BOOK. (_To be translated into French, German, and Italian, for the benefit of Foreigners._) IN THE TRAIN. CONTINENTAL Railways are disgracefully mismanaged. [Illustration] This train does not travel at anything like the rate of our expresses. The "Flying Scotchman" travels at 50, 100, or 150 (_according to fancy_) miles the hour. I object to smoking; also wish all the windows to be opened or closed (_as the case may be_). The foreign _buffet_ does not equal our refreshment-rooms. A plate of soup, half a roast fowl, and mashed potatoes cannot compare with what we call in England a "ham sandwich." I object to the lamp being shaded, or insist upon the lamp being shaded (_according to pleasure_). Why are we stopping here? Why are we not stopping here? It is disgraceful that we should stop here. It is disgraceful that we should not stop here. If this occurs again, I shall write to the papers. AT THE STATION. Why must I go here? Why may I not go here? I insist upon going where I please. I refuse to answer, as an impertinent question, "what I have to declare." I object to opening that trunk, that portmanteau, and that hat-box. It is insolent to accuse me of smuggling. Where is the Chief of Police? Have there been any orders to treat my luggage in this manner? I complain that, as you have passed my boxes without examination, that I should have ever been asked for my keys. I will not take this omnibus, nor this fly, nor this cart. I do not want to patronise any hotel. Why do you not put my luggage on that carriage? I had a right to say I would take no conveyance--as a matter of fact, I knew I should be swindled. Now do make haste, and do what I ask, or I shall report you to the Station Master. No, I shall give you nothing--it is contrary to the Bye-laws in England. AT THE HOTEL. I object to this room, because it is on the ground, first, or upper floors (_according to taste_). I do not like the price paid for the _table d'hôte_. I object to the bed-curtains--why are there no bed-curtains? I will not pay for _service_--_service_ should be charged. Your prices are extortionate. I shall be careful to warn all my friends against coming to this hotel. Don't be impertinent. EN ROUTE. This scenery is disappointing. The water-fall is over-rated and the ruin a fraud. I will not take off my wide-awake in this Cathedral. Why cannot I look at the altar during the celebration of Service? I have seen much better things in a ninth-rate town in England than I find in this Museum. I consider the whole tour not worth the candle. It is infamous that I should have been induced by false pretences to come abroad. You can easily imagine how I must be missed at home.