"Why have we to hire a boat to take us from the garden-gate to our front-door?" Oh, because five million gallons of water were poured down our street by the Fire-Brigade men the day before yesterday, and the Main Drainage system is only equal to removing a few gallons at a time. Naturally the Water Companies have taken advantage of this state of things to suggest to householders that, as they have so much water in their cellars, they can do without any in their cisterns, and to announce therefore that the supply will be discontinued for a week. Is it a fact that Insurance Premiums in Bayswater now vary in proportion to the distance from Westbourne Grove? How curious that "two huge columns of fire" should produce at least half a dozen equally huge columns of print! No, as you say, this wall-paper is not pretty, and walking on hard concrete-floors is a little unpleasant at first; but then, you see, they are both absolutely incombustible. The Fire-engine in the Hall is certainly a little in the way of the servants; but then what a comfort it is to feel that with this precaution, _and_ powerful hydrants laid on to each floor, _and_ sleeping in fire-proof beds with one's clothes on, _and_ having an outside iron stair-case to each window in the house, we really _are_ pretty safe against the next conflagration, in spite of the fact that we live just opposite a Universal Provider! * * * * * THE PRIVATE BANKER'S PÆAN. (_Some way after Shakspeare._) I KNOW a Bank whereto the poor man goes. If there too quickly his deposit grows, I fancy _our_ Monopoly may decline, No, no, at Thirty Pounds we'll draw the line, Nor let the Artisan, however thrifty, In the Post-Office pile an annual Fifty. We've floored them this time after a good fight, Government yields, to our extreme delight. We Private Banks are saved, by our teeth's skin. If they the thin end of the wedge slip in, By Jove, they'll open wide the public eyes, And smash up all our snug Monopolies. * * * * * AN AMUSEMENT SCARCELY LIKELY TO BE POPULAR WITH CHILDREN.--The Switchback. * * * * * [Illustration: LONGING FOR A NEW SENSATION. _Jack (a Naughty Boy, who is always in disgrace, and most deservedly)._ "I SAY, EFFIE, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I SHOULD LIKE? I SHOULD LIKE TO BE ACCUSED OF SOMETHING I'D NEVER DONE!"] * * * * * FIRE AND WATER. (_With Apologies to the Shades of the Authors of "Rejected Addresses."_) THE Fire Fiend was curst with unquenchable thirst, And his gnomes to his aid having beckoned, From Cornhill to Clapham he flew at a burst, And furious flames soon arose from the first, And volumes of smoke from the second.