[_Stop abruptly, and stare glassily._ (_In a husky whisper._) Blame my cats--but it's strange! (_Take a step backwards._) What in thunder!... JOPP it's--YOU!!! [_With a shout._ (_Crestfallen tone._) So ye're not _on_ the boards, but between 'em! (_Change to hasty and somewhat confused apology._) ... Ye'll excuse me--I've suthin' to do! [_Go off hurriedly, with air of a man recollecting an appointment._ It is hardly necessary to advise you that the effect you should aim at is the securing of your audience's sympathy for _yourself_--as the victim of such an unfortunate mistake--don't let them trouble themselves about the unseen Sandwich-man. * * * * * DR. TANNER'S RECONCILIATORY COUPLET. THIS the burden of my song-- Love me little, love me, LONG! * * * * * DUMB CRAMBO'S SCHOOL-BOOK REVIEW. THE following book, advertised in Messrs. RIVINGTON'S list, has attracted the attention of our Mr. D. C.:-- A SCHOOL FLORA. For the use of Elementary Botanical Classes. By W. MARSHALL WATTS, D. Sc. (Lond.), B. Sc. (Vict.)., Physical Science Master in the Giggleswick Grammar School. A SCHOOL FLORA (ILLUSTRATED). [Illustration: The Knock-down Blow. (One specimen.)] [Illustration: The Birch. (Second Specimen.)] [Illustration: "The Master of _Physical_ Science."] [Illustration: Giggleswick Grammar School.] * * * * * [Illustration: MODERN CRAZES. (_The Last Thing in Musical Prodigies._) "THE BABY BOTTESINI."] * * * * * DESPATCH WITH ECONOMY. (_Minutes relative to a Misdirected Telegram, found not a hundred miles from the G.P.O._) ORIGINAL TELEGRAM:-- _From Lucy to Flutterby, Peacock's Priory, Battersea._ "Ask JACK to dine with us at eight." _First Minute._ This Telegram was sent to Peacock's Rest, but there refused as Mr. FLUTTERBY was not there. It was re-directed to what was supposed to be his address, "Morton's Repository, Whitechapel." It was again refused. We cannot recover the sixpence. (_Official Initials._) _Second Minute._ Who re-directed the Telegram, and why was it not paid for before delivery? (_Initials as before._) _Third Minute._ We cannot ascertain the name of the person who re-directed the Telegram, and did not receive the sixpence because the Telegram was never accepted. (_Initials as before._) _Fourth Minute._ Who sent the Telegram originally? (_Initials as before._) _Fifth Minute._ We have sent an Officer to inquire, and find that LUCY lives in Flower Cottage, Kensingbridge--she is the sender's wife. She says she knows nothing about the telegram. (_Initials as before._) _Sixth Minute._ Cannot the address of the sender be ascertained? (_Initials as before._) _Seventh Minute._ We believe the sender must also live in Flower Cottage, Kensingbridge. Shall we send an Officer to inquire? (_Initials as before._)