Am I going to Goodwood? I answer that question by another. Is it likely that a race-meeting of any pretensions can possibly do without one whom even his enemies acknowledge to be the only accurate and high-minded sporting writer in the world? Those who care (and I devoutly hope that Mr. J., whose brains equal those of a newly-born tadpole, will not be amongst the number) can see me at any moment on pronouncing the password, "mealy-mouth," in my old place, _close to the space devoted to Royalty._ Yes, I shall be there. In the meantime, I propose to treat of the horses as only I can treat of them. I have nothing to say against _Pioneer_, except that the name promises very well for one who means to lead the way. _Nous verrons_, as RACINE said, on a celebrated occasion. As for _The Imp_, I cannot too strongly lay it down that only blue devils are bad for the digestion, and _Galloping Queen_ may gallop farther than or not so far as _Miss Ethel_. A miss must be better than a mile to win. If _Theophilus_ were _Formidable_, or if _Imogene_ possessed a _Grecian Bend_, it might be necessary to sound _Reveille_ in _Rotten Row_, which would certainly be a _Marvel_. Not being a roadster, I sometimes like _The Field_. The above information ought to be sufficient to guide anybody whose brains are calculated to fill an egg-cup. All others may go to Earlswood, where they will probably meet Mr. J. * * * * * [Illustration: "OUR TURN NOW!" FRANCE AND PORTUGAL (_who know the value of Peace and Quiet_). "YOU GIVE GERMAN SOMESING,--HE GO VAY! YOU GIVE _US_ SOMESING,--_VE_ GO VAY!!"] * * * * * THE REAL GRIEVANCE OFFICE. (_BEFORE_ MR. COMMISSIONER PUNCH.) _AN ANGLO-INDIAN GENTLEMAN INTRODUCED._ [Illustration] _The Commissioner_. Well, Sir, What can I do for you? _Anglo-Indian_. I wish respectfully to call your attention, Sir, to our case, which is now before a Parliamentary Committee. I am an Indian Civil Servant. I am called a member of the Uncovenanted Service, but I contend that such a term is a misnomer. Originally the Uncovenanted Service consisted of Natives of India, who were employed, without covenant, to do subordinate official work, under the direction of the Covenanted Civil Service. The bulk of these persons were overseers and tax-collectors. _The Com._ Has there been any alteration of late years? I see you lay a stress upon _originally_.