CONCERTS! CONCERTS!--Amateur Comic Vocalist and impromptu "Vamper" (gentleman born) of several years' experience in best London Society, is anxious to meet with bold and speculative Manager who will offer him a first engagement. Can sing--omitting a few high notes--various popular melodies, comprising, "_Aunt Sarah's Back-hair," "The Twopenny Toff of 'Ighgate 'Ill_," and "_Tommy Robinson's Last Cigar_," and also play piano if required, with one finger, but prefers to be accompanied by indefatigable friend, who plays entirely by ear, and if allowed to smoke freely, can "pick up" any tune in a quarter of an hour. Seldom breaks down or forgets words, except before large or unsympathetic audience. Fetching comic "biz," and superlative Music-hall "chic." Would have no objection to black face and appear at evening parties, or in fashionable streets, with banjo (if provided with small police escort.) Testimonials from several highly respectable relatives, now in asylum, or under treatment at seaside.--Address, with terms, the Hon. ALGERNON BRASSLEIGH CHEEKINGTON (or at Chimpanzee Chambers in Piccadilly, W.) * * * * * SUGGESTION FOR REFORM IN PUBLIC SCHOOLS' SYSTEM.--"_Absence_" should be called immediately after dinner, and then each boy, instead of saying, "Here, Sir!" could reply, classically and correctly, "_Adsum!_" Yours truly, AN OVER-ETON BOY. * * * * * [Illustration: LAT. 60° 8' N. LONG. 4° 30' E. _Mr. Punch en route for the Midnight Sun. First glimpse of Norway._] * * * * * "THE CUP THAT CHE-(HIC)-ERS!" The Total Abstainer staggered to his feet. The room seemed to be waltzing round him, and his legs acted independently of each other. One of those legs tried to walk to the right, whilst the other moved to the left! He looked in the mirror and saw a double reflection! He had two noses, a couple of mouths, four eyes, and countless whiskers. This made him merry, and he laughed in very glee. But only for a while! Soon he became utterly depressed. Then his head ached--horribly! He tried to sleep--he could not! "Never too late--to MENDAL!" he gasped out, uttering in his extreme agitation the name of a Physician of Berlin who had made inebriety a special study. Then his muscles became weak and trembling, his aversion to labour increased, and he had scarcely the energy or power to observe that his complexion (in patches) was ruddier than the cherry. "Alas!" he sighed, and he succumbed permanently to persistent dyspepsia! And what was the cause of this unfortunate, this terrible condition? Sad to say, the question was easily answered. The Total Abstainer had taken a drop too much--of Coffee! * * * * * CATCHING; OR, HOW FAR WILL IT GO? (BEING A FORECAST OF THE SPREAD OF THE STRIKE FEVER, FROM A NEXT WEEK'S DIARY.)