To Oxford 'twas your husband went-- The stately home of Don and Proctor-- Where, 'mid the deafening cheers that rent The air, he straight became a Doctor. As one whose valour none can shake, We've sung him in a thousand ditties, And freedoms too we've made him take Of goodness knows how many cities! Yet while to honour and to praise With one another we've been vying, Has he not told us for the days Of rest to come he ne'er ceased sighing? And when, with pomp of high degree, Your marriage vows and troth you plighted, Why, everyone was glad to see Art and Adventure thus united! "To those about to Marry.--Don't!" So _Mr. Punch_ did once advise us. Spread the advice? I'm sure you won't. A course which hardly need surprise us. O lovely wife of one we think Above all others brave and manly, We clink our glasses as we drink Long life and health to Mrs. STANLEY! * * * * * THE ANGLO-GERMAN CONCERTINA. "I confess I was not at all prepared for the feelings that some South Africans appear to entertain with respect to our conduct in the recent negotiations"--_Lord Salisbury to the Deputation of African Merchants respecting the proposed Anglo-German Agreement._ [Illustration: _Imperial Instrumentalist_ (_loquitur_). "WHAT, NOT LIKE THE TONE OF IT? WELL, YOU _DO_ SURPRISE ME!!!"] I fancied that this Instrument Would make a great sensation And that its music would content The critics and the nation, I know it is what vulgar folks Christen the "Constant-screamer;" I thought _you_'d scorn such feeble jokes; It seems I was a dreamer. You writhe your lips, you close your ears! Dear me! Such conduct tries me. You do not like it, it appears Well, well,--you _do_ surprise me! 'Tis not, I know, the Jingo drum, Nor the "Imperial" trumpet. (The country to their call won't come, However much you stump it.) They're out of fashion; 'tis not now As in the days of "BEAKEY." People dislike the Drum's tow-row. And call the Trumpet squeaky. So I the Concertina try, As valued friends advise me. What's that you say? It's all my eye? Well, well,--you _do_ surprise me! I fancied you would like it much, You and the other fellows. Admire the tone, remark my touch! And what capacious bellows! 'Tis not as loud as a trombone, But harmony's not rumpus; The chords are charming, and you'll own It has a pretty compass. I swing like this, I sway like that! Fate a fine theme supplies me! The "treatment" you think feeble, flat? Well, well--you _do_ surprise me!