* * * * * PROGRESS--FIN DE SIÈCLE! 1891. Vessels laid up by the Shipping Federation. 1892. The Railway Union decide to stop all traffic until labour is cheaper. 1893. The United Cooperative Stores secure monopoly of Trade, and then close until better times. 1894. Army and Navy disbanded, join the Burglar Association, of which the Police are now members. 1895. Publication of newspapers throughout the civilised world, suspended. 1896. Universal redistribution of land, and personal property. 1897. Conversion of every public building on the Four Quarters of the Globe into a refuge for the indigent. 1898. Strike of the Butchers, the Bakers and the Candlestick-makers. 1899. Strike of the Doctors, and the Undertakers--_Fin de Siècle!_ 1900. Strike of the Lawyers--_Fin du Monde!_ * * * * * [Illustration: THE SPREAD OF CULTURE DOWNWARDS. _Jones_ (_to Mrs. J._). "ESKIR VOO NE PONXAY PÂH KER LA NOOVELLE FUM-DE-SHOMB AYT _EXTRARDINAIRMONG JOLEE_?" _Mrs. J._ (_who is over-considerate of her Servants_). "WEE--MAIS IL NE FO PÂH PARLY FRONXAY DEVONG LEY DOMESTEEK; CE N'AY PÂH _POLEE_, VOO SAVVY!" _The New Scotch Housemaid._ "OH, MONSIEUR, QUANT À ÇA, CE N'EST PAS LA PEINE DE VOUS GÊNER DEVANT MOI. JE COMPRENDS ASSEZ BIEN LE FRANÇAIS!"] * * * * * TIPPERARY JUNCTION. JOHN MORLEY _SINGS_:-- AIR--"_TIPPERARY_." Oh, politics puzzle, and partisans vary, In holiday autumn on Albion's shore; But och! there's good business in New Tipperary, So to take a look round I will take a run o'er. Prince ARTHUR looks proud, but his policy's poor-- No doubt, he'd be happy to show me the door; But the Paddies will welcome an English grandee-- They've had SHAW-LEFEVRE, they'd rather have me! So I laugh at all fears of things going contrairey (She loves me, does ERIN, the shamrock-gowned fairy), I'm sure there's good business in New Tipperary! In New Tipperary! ARTHUR BALFOUR _SINGS_:-- AIR--"_OFF TO PHILADELPHIA_." Faith! JOHN MORLEY thinks he's leary, And he's off to Tipperary; My policy he thinks he'll be a thorn in; But before he comes away He will find to spoil my play He must get up very early in the mornin'. Wid his bundle on his shoulder, He thinks no man could look boulder, And he's lavin' for Auld Ireland widout warnin'. For he lately took the notion For to cross the briny ocean, And to start for Tipperary in the mornin'. JOHN MORLEY _SINGS_:-- AIR--"_TIPPERARY_."