_'Arry._ And quite a young thing, too! _A Spectator_ (_who has read the Novel_). 'Ave you 'eard from LEO VINCEY lately? _She_ (_coldly_). I don't know the gentleman. _Showman_. If you have no more questions to ask her, She will now retire into her urn, thanking you all for your kind attendance this morning, which will conclude the entertainment. [_Final disappearance of_ She. _The Audience pass out, feeling--with perfect justice--that they have "had their money's worth."_ * * * * * HOW IT'S DONE. _A HAND-BOOK OF HONESTY._ NO. III.--GRANDMOTHERLY GOVERNMENT. SCENE I.--_St. Stephen's._ Sagacious Legislator _on his legs advocating a new Anti-Adulteration Act. Few M.P.'s present, most of them drowsing_. _Sagacious Legislator_. As I was saying, Sir, the adulteration of Butter has been pushed to such abominable lengths that no British Workman knows whether what he is eating is the product of the Cow or of the Thames mud-banks. (_A snigger._) Talk of a Free Breakfast Table! I would free the Briton's Breakfast Table from the unwholesome incubus of Adulteration. At any rate, if the customer chooses to purchase butter which is _not_ butter, he shall do it knowingly, with his eyes open. (_Feeble "Hear, hear!"_) Under this Act anything which is not absolutely unsophisticated milk-made Butter must be plainly marked, and openly vended as Adipocerene! [Illustration] [_Amidst considerable applause the Act is passed._ SCENE II.--_Small Butterman's shop in a poor neighbourhood. Burly white-apron'd Proprietor behind counter. To him enter a pasty-faced Workman, with a greasy pat of something wrapped in a leaf from a ledger._ _Workman._ I say, Guv'nor, lookye here. This 'ere stuff as you sold my old woman, is simply beastly. I don't believe it's butter at all. _Butterman_ (_sneeringly_). And who said it _was_? What did your Missus buy it as? _Workman_. Why, Adipo--whot's it, I believe. But that's only another name for butter of a cheaper sort, ain't it? Anyhow, it's no reason why it should be nasty. _Butterman_ (_loftily_). Now look here, my man, what do you expect? That's Adipocerene, that is, and _sold as such_. If you'll pay for Butter, you can have it; but if you ask for this here stuff, you must take yer chance. _Workman_. But what's it made on? _Butterman_. That's no business of mine. If you could anerlyse it--(mind, I don't say yer _could_)--into stale suet and sewer-scrapings, you couldn't prove as it warn't Adipocerene, same as it's sold for, could yer? _Workman_ (_hotly_). But hang it, I don't _want_ stale suet and sewer-scrapings, whatsomever you may call it.