Be warned in good time--why there isn't a man, Sir, Or at most one or two, whom the universe misses. You strut for a moment, and then, like poor _Anser_, You vanish, uncared-for, with splutter and hisses. If a man cares to toil, if, like Broadhurst or Burt, he Puts his neck to the yoke for the good of his fellows, He will find work to do (though you scorn it as dirty), Without all this labour of trumpet and bellows. Surely butter must cloy, though your friends do the churning-- You are _not_ the whole world, though you did win a tanner; And _Punch_ thinks it well, when your head has done turning, You should turn a new leaf, and just soften your manner. * * * * * RAILWAY TIME-TABLE. APPLICABLE ALL THE YEAR ROUND. 6 Cabs--full of Passengers = 1 Dawdling Porter. 12 Dawdling Porters = 1 Train's Start. 2 Trains' Starts = 1 Danger Signal. 2 Danger Signals = 1 Stoppage on the Line. 3 Stoppages on the Line = 1 Late Arrival. 24 Late Arrivals = 1 Day's Unpunctuality. 365 Days' Unpunctuality = 1 Patient Public's Useless Grumble. * * * * * A Murderous Game.--(_Example of "Beneficent Murder."_)--Taking a Life at Pool. * * * * * [Illustration: INFELICITOUS QUOTATIONS. "HOW GOOD OF YOU TO COME, DOCTOR. I DIDN'T EXPECT YOU THIS MORNING." "NO, BUT I WAS CALLED TO YOUR OPPOSITE NEIGHBOUR, POOR MRS. BROWN, AND THOUGHT I MIGHT AS WELL KILL TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE."] * * * * * THE BETTER THE DAY, THE BETTER THE TALK! SCENE--_Any fashionable Watering Place where "Church Parade" is a recognised institution. TIME--Sunday, 1 P.M. Enter BROWN and Mrs. BROWN, who take chairs._ _Mrs. Brown_. Good Gracious! Look another way! Those odious people, the STIGGINGSES, are coming towards us! _Brown_. Why odious? I think the girls rather nice. _Mrs. B._ (_contemptuously_). Oh, _you_ would, because men are so easily taken in! Nice, indeed! Why, here's Major BUTTONS. _B._ (_moving his head sharply to the right_). Don't see him! Can't stand the fellow! I always avoid him at the Club! _Mrs. B._ Why? Soldiers are always such pleasant men. _B._ (_contemptuously_). BUTTONS a soldier! Years ago he was a Lieutenant in a marching regiment, and now holds honorary rank in the Volunteers! Soldier, indeed! Bless me! here's Mrs. FITZ-FLUMMERY--mind you don't cut her. _Mrs. B._ Yes, I shall; the woman is insupportable. Did you ever see _such_ a dress? And she has changed the colour of her hair--again! _B._ Whether she has or hasn't, she looks particularly pleasing. _Mrs. B._ (_drily_). You were always a little eccentric in your taste! Why, surely there must be Mr. PENNYFATHER ROBSON. How smart he looks! Where _can_ he have come from? _B._ The Bankruptcy Court! (_Drily._) You were never particularly famous for discrimination. As I live, the SMITHS! [_He bows with effusion._