Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 06, May 7, 1870 — John Shaqi
Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 06, May 7, 1870Various
General
Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 06, May 7, 1870
Various
American wit and humor -- Periodicals
5. HALL is hot-tempered and once killed one of his crew. HAYES is a
cool man and never killed any body, except as a medical practitioner.
Cool men are at home in the Arctic Region. Therefore send HAYES.
WHAT THE HALL PARTY SAYS.
1. If the Pole is surrounded by water, it must be a visible point of
land. HALL is a landsman, and therefore the proper man to send in
search of land. To send a sailor like HAYES in quest of land would be
absurd. Therefore HALL is the right man.
2. HALL is a steady, hardworking, energetic Western man. HAYES is a
meddling Yankee. Of course HALL is the better man for carrying out a
difficult enterprise.
3. HALL has lived in the Arctic land as the Arctic people do; while
HAYES knows nothing of the people of that region. Therefore HALL is by
far the best man to send.
4. HAYES can have no use for his instruments in a place where there is
nothing but ice. HAYES would, therefore, only add to the cost of the
expedition. HALL can take all necessary observations with his eyes,
which cost Congress nothing and are easily carried. Therefore HALL is
by all odds the man for the expedition.
5. If HALL is hot-tempered, so much the better. He will keep warm with
less consumption of fuel. That he killed a mutineer is proof of his
resolute adherence to discipline. HAYES would never enforce discipline
if he dared to inflict no more punishment for mutiny than a draught of
Epsom salts. Therefore HALL is plainly the man to command an exploring
party.
Here we have the arguments which both sides advance, and our readers
can easily make up their minds. As for ourselves, the true course for
Congress to pursue seems so plainly evident that if we were asked which
is the best man, the Doctor or the Captain, we should unhesitatingly
answer in the negative.
[Illustration: CINCINNATUS SWEENY.]
CINCINNATUS SWEENY
(Adapted from AUTHOR'S Classical Dictionary, p. 351.)
"CINCINNATUS had retired to his patrimony, aloof from popular tumults.
The successes of the Equi, (young Democracy,) however, rendered the
appointment of a Dictator necessary, and CINCINNATUS was chosen to that
high office. He laid aside his rural habiliments, assumed the ensigns
of absolute power, levied a new army, marched all night to bring the
necessary succor to the Consul MINCIUS, (W. M. TWEED,) who was
surrounded by the enemy and blockaded in his camp, (Albany,) and before
morning surrounded the enemy's army, and reduced it to a condition
exactly similar to that in which the Romans had been placed. The
baffled Equi were glad to submit to the victor's terms, and
CINCINNATUS, returning in, triumph to Rome, (New-York,) laid down his
dictatorial power after having held it only fourteen days, and returned
to his farm" (Central Park.)
SPRING FEVER,
In such a joyous way?
If it were as you say,
Wouldn't _I_ know it, who know every thing!
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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