"Mr. President," said I, rising and clearing my throat, "I do not wish to occupy much time in the present business--especially as I have to pay the hotel bills of these brave veterans until it is finished. Therefore I will come directly to the point. I desire, immediately, the appointment of Whiskey Inspector for the Judasville district. I have been an applicant for said position quite long enough, and I demand that you make out my commission this morning." "And suppose I don't?" says GRANT. "In that case," said I,--"in that case--well, in that case, _there_ are my companions in arms, the brave supporters of my cause!" and I pointed proudly to the Judasville Rifles. "Well," said GRANT, puffing away at the HANCOCK remnants, "what do you propose to do with them--besides paying their hotel bills, I mean?" "To do?" said I, "to do?"--and now, to tell the truth, I experienced an immediate disadvantage of not having formed a plan of my campaign. But it would not do to hesitate. "To do?" I repeated, speaking louder this time. "I shall march upon--well, upon each of the public buildings in turn, and I shall take them and hold them." "And then?" said GRANT. "Well," said I, "then, of course, you will see the impossibility of carrying my strongholds without a fearful slaughter, and to prevent the consequent effusion of blood, you will despatch a courier to me, requesting my presence in your council-room." "And then?" said GRANT. "I will come," I answered. "And then?" said GRANT. "You will give me the Whiskey Inspectorship," I answered. GRANT glanced at me, and then at the body of troops by which I was supported. Indomitable resolution sat upon every lineament of my countenance, and resolute determination showed itself in the faces of my brave men. Already, from afar, they sniffed the delicious perfumes of the rewards of victory. (It is needless to particularize the alcoholic promises I had made them in case of success.) GRANT rang a little bell--I think he bought it second-hand, when SEWARD sold out to go travelling--and an obstrusive attendant entered by a back door. Then, to this obtrusive attendant said the President; "James, step over to the War Department and tell SHERMAN to send me the Eighth and Eleventh Brigades of Cavalry; the Seventy-first and Fortieth Regiments of Artillery; the Twenty-second, Forty-fourth, and Eighty-eighth regiments of infantry, and two companies of sappers and miners." JAMES departed. I stepped forward. "Mr. PRESIDENT," said I, "in order to prevent the effusion of blood, might it not be as well to settle our little business at once?" GRANT smiled. HODGINS, the captain of the Judasville Rifles, now came up to me and touched me on the arm. "To prevent the effusion of blood," said he, "we are going home." And they went!