It is to be hoped that no one, who shall become great by means of my rules, will turn upon me and revile me, when he finds himself interviewed incessantly, persecuted by unearthings of his early sins, by persistent beggars, by slanders of the envious, by libels of the press, and by the other concomitants of greatness. You must take the sour with the sweet. Even the sweetest orange may have an unpleasant rind. RULES BY WHICH EVERY MAN CAN BECOME GREAT. 1. Always be sure to get what belongs to you, and make most vigorous grabs for everything that belongs to everybody else. 2. Take everything which is offered to you, if it be on a par with what you deem the standard of your worth. This rule requires the exercise of much wisdom in its application. If, for example, you look upon the Custom House as the office which is adapted to you, don't, under any circumstances, take the appraiser's position. But you must never let the rule work the other way. 3. Always have a policy. Talk about it much and often, and be sure to call it "my policy." The best of rules being liable to misconstruction, some Congressmen have acted as if this rule read, "Always have a policy shop." 4. Always have a theory. If a murder has been committed, appear to know all about the "dog," and to be familiar with its history from the time when it was a pup. Be sure to fix suspicion upon some person, even if you are compelled to eat your own words on the following day. 5. Talk much and often about protection, and give advice to farmers, even if you don't know anything about agriculture. 6. Fill your head with classical quotations, and trot them out on all occasions, whether discussing a bill for the diffusion of beans among the Indians, or the Alabama claims. 7. Smoke many costly Havana cigars. This rule has been lately discovered. 8. Get some one to write a history of CAESAR for you, or an account of a tour in the Highlands, and then claim the work as your own. There are one or two observations I would here make, which may be useful. If you are ambitious, you had better commence at the lower rounds of the ladder, in order that your ascent may be safe and rapid. If you would be, for instance, a great statesman, be first an alderman; if a great warrior, be first--well, say a tanner. Also, you should pay particular attention to the clothes which you inhabit. An old white hat and a slouchy old overcoat will insure you a nomination for the office of Governor. If, by following these rules and heeding these observations, you cannot become a great man, you may rest assured that the fault is not in the rules, but in you. What is already perfect cannot be made more perfect. If you fail, after conscientiously following the above advice, (though I'm not sure that the fact will not be the same, if you succeed,) it's because you are already great--a great fool. * * * * * "THE COLORED TROOPS FOUGHT NOBLY."