He had a dreadful passion, which was not at all professional, For going for an office, either local or congressional. But though often nominated, yet the people wouldn't ratify, Because they thought, quite properly, it would be wrong to gratify The all-consuming passion that was not at all professional. Among the many hobbies which he cantered on incessantly Was one he called Protection, and he rode it quite unpleasantly; For if any one dissented from his notions injudiciously, He went for him immediately, ferociously and viciously, Did this absurd equestrian who cantered on incessantly. With which remarks the author of this brief, veracious history Concludes his observations on the incarnated mystery Known as an agriculturist, philosopher, and editor, Who thought the world his debtor, and himself, of course, its creditor, And who will surely figure on the oddest page in history. * * * * * THE FITTEST PLACE FOR A "PRESERVER" OF THE PEACE. A "Jam" on Broadway. * * * * * DR. HELMBOLD TO J.G. BENNETT, Jr. "Boo-shoo! fly." * * * * * [Illustration: A BRIGHT IDEA. _Customer_. "WAITER, BRING ME SOME FROZEN CLAMS." _Waiter (lately caught)_. "YES, SIR; WILL YOU HAVE 'EM ROASTED OR BILED?"] * * * * * WORDS AND THEIR USES. Nothing, except counting your stamps, can be more pleasant and exciting than tracing out the origin of words by the aid of a second-hand dictionary. It's the next funniest thing to grubbing after stumps in a ten-acre lot. Dentists make capital philologists--: they are so much accustomed to digging for roots. It's rather dull work to shovel around in the Anglo-Saxon stratum, but, as soon as you strike the Sanscrit, then you're off, and if you don't find big nuggets, it's because--well, it's because there are none there. Sometimes you dig down to about the time when NOAH went on his little sailing excursion, and strike what seems to be a first-class sockdolager of root, but what is the use? Unfortunately the philology business is overdone; it's chock full of first-class broken down pedagogues and unsuccessful ink-slingers, and, as soon as you offer a curious specimen in the way of roots, they write a book to prove that the root don't exist, or, if it does, that it should not. However, there is an advantage in knowing the roots of words, and the use to which they were put in former years. Everybody, you know, is very anxious to read CHAUCER and SPENSER. Now, after you have studied this subject about forty-two years, you will be able to read CHAUCER with the aid of an old English dictionary and an Anglo-Saxon grammar.