_Q._ How do you know your wife has had them? _A._ She told me so. _Q._ Then you did not see her have them? _A._ No, sir. _Q._ We want no hearsay evidence here; how can you swear that she has had them when you did not see her have them? _A._ She told me so, and I believed her. _Q._ Did she take an oath that she had had them? _A._ No sir. _Q._ Then, sir, you are trifling with the Court. Do you understand the obligations of an oath? _A._ I do. _Q._ Beware, then, that you are not committed for perjury. Is your gas-metre ever frozen? _A._ Yes, sir. _Q._ What do you use when the gas will not burn? _A._ Candles. _Q._ How many to the pound? _A._ Nine. _Q._ How do you know there are nine to the pound? _A._ They are sold as nines. _Q._ Then you never weighed them yourself? _A._ No, sir. _Counsel_, to the _Court_. May it please your Honor, this is the second time that this witness has positively testified, under solemn oath, to important points of which he has no certain knowledge. I ask the Court for protection for myself and my client. Here a long discussion took place between the lawyers and the Judge, and at the end of it the case was postponed for four months. I suppose it is expected that I will then re-ascend the witness-stand; but I have determined that when I enter a court-room again I shall appear as a criminal. These fellows have much the easiest times, and they run so little risk, nowadays, that their position is far preferable to that of the unfortunate witnesses. J. BADGER. * * * * * Singular Fatuity. The reason why so few persons emigrate to this country from Poland, is the general belief prevailing there that we have throughout the Union a heavy Pole tax. * * * * * THE A.B.C. OF NEW YORK SOCIALISM. ANDREWS, BRISBANE, AND CLAFLIN. * * * * * [Illustration: THRILLING MELODRAMA. Scene: Lord DE VERE'S Manor: The Blue Chamber. _Lord De Vere._ "BUT ONE COURSE, LADY CLAUDE, IS LEFT TO RETRIEVE OUR FALLEN FORTUNES. WITH THESE DEAD CATS WE'LL FLY TO MICHIGAN AND START A MINERAL SPRING. THE MICHIGANDERS ARE WILD ABOUT THEIR SPRINGS, AND WITH THIS MATERIAL OURS CANNOT BUT BE A SUCCESS."] * * * * * [Illustration: ONE OF OUR SOCIAL HUMBUGS. _Old Gent (figuring up probable receipts of his silver wedding, close at hand)_. "I'VE HIRED A SPLENDID TEA-SERVICE FOR BROWN TO PRESENT TO US; IT WILL MAKE QUITE A SENSATION, AND I'VE GOT IT CHEAP FOR THE EVENING."] * * * * * POEMS OF THE POLICE. I, MARY SMITH. O gallant p'licemen, list to me, I'll sing a mournful ditty About a poor young serving-gal, What lived in this here city. She had a name, and SMITH it was (The rest of it was MARY); Her constant duty, at daybreak, Was sweeping out the arey.