What does "HAMLET" do when he decides--on the unsworn statement of an irresponsible GHOST--that his father has been murdered by the GHOST'S brother? We all know that he devotes himself to the duties of a private detective; that he drives his sweetheart crazy by using very improper language to her, and by coolly denying that he had ever had any serious intentions toward her. Then he gets up the worst specimen of private theatricals that even a royal drawing-room ever witnessed,--a performance so hopelessly stupid as to actually make the KING and his consort seriously ill. Next he insults his mother, and, under the weak pretext of killing rats, wantonly makes a hole in her best tapestry. And finally, after having killed the young man who was to have been his brother-in-law, he stabs his own uncle and calmly watches the dying agonies of his mother, who has succumbed to an indiscreet indulgence in adulterated whiskey. His death is the only redeeming incident in his career,--only he should have died in the first, instead of the fifth act. The real "HAMLET"--if there ever was such a person--would have shown the traditional thrift and enterprise of his race by a very different course of conduct. After the interview with the GHOST he would have had a private audience with the KING, and there would have ensued a scene somewhat like the following one. Of course he would not have talked in blank verse. The world has never properly condemned the outrageous cheek with which SHAKESPEARE has attempted to make us believe that blank verse was ever the ordinary speech of sensible men. HAMLET.--"I have a little business to settle with your majesty." KING.--"Well! out with it; I've got an appointment with the German Ambassador about that Schleswig-Holstein business at 2 o'clock, and can only spare you ten minutes." HAMLET.--"I want to be appointed collector of the port of Copenhagen, with a salary of ten thousand dollars a month besides the fees. Also, I want to marry OPHELIA, and to be recognized as the heir apparent to your throne." KING.--"Well! I rather like your cheek. Do you mistake me for an American President, that you ask me to appoint one of my own relations to the fattest office in my gift? Why you impertinent young scoundrel!" HAMLET.--"Draw it mild, if you please. The reason why I ask these favors of you is, that if granted they will prevent me from talking in my sleep." KING (_aside_).--"He's got 'em at last. I knew he would, if he kept company with politicians." (_To Hamlet._) "Are you drunk or crazy? Not that it is of much consequence, but still I should like to know the reason of this impudence." HAMLET (_in a sepulchral whisper_).--"Uncle! I have seen a reliable gentleman who saw my late father die. Now don't do anything rash. You see I know all. Appoint me collector, and I'll agree to think no more about it. Refuse, and I shall take the course that filial love and duty prompt."