I stayed at Mr Root's school for very nearly three years, and I shall
divide that memorable period into three distinct epochs--the desponding,
the devotional, and the mendacious. After I had been flogged into
uncertain health, I was confined, for at least six weeks, to my room,
and, when I was convalescent, it was hinted by the surgeon, in not
unintelligible terms, to Mr Root, that if I did not experience the
gentlest treatment, I might lose my life; which would have been very
immaterial to Mr Root, had it not been a mathematical certainty that he
would lose a good scholar at the same time. By-the-by, the meaning that
a schoolmaster attaches to the words "good scholar," is one for whom he
is paid well. Thus I was emphatically a good scholar; no doubt his very
best. I was taught everything--at least his bill said so. He provided
everything for me, and I stayed with him during the holidays. He,
therefore, ceased to confer upon me his cruel attentions; and abandoned
me to a neglect hardly less cruel. The boys were strictly enjoined to
leave me alone, and they obeyed. I found a solitude in the midst of
society.
A loneliness came over my young spirit. I was aweary, and I drooped
like the tired bird, that alights on the ship, "far, far at sea." As
that poor bird folds its wings, and sinks into peaceful oblivion, I
could have folded my arms and have lain down to die with pleasure. My
heart exhausted itself with an intense longing for a companion to love.
It wasted away all its substance in flinging out fibres to catch hold of
that with which it might beat in unison. As turn the tendrils of the
vine hither and thither to clasp something to adorn, and to repay
support by beauty, so I wore out my young energies in a fruitless search
for sympathy. I had nothing to love me, though I would have loved many
if I had dared. There were many sweet faces among my school-fellows, to
which I turned with a longing look, and a tearful eye. How menial I
have been to procure a notice, a glance of kindness! I had nothing to
give wherewith to bribe affection but services and labour, and those
were either refused, or perhaps accepted with scorn. I was the only
pariah among two hundred and fifty. There was a mystery and an obloquy
attached to me, and the master had, by his interdiction, completely put
me without the pale of society. I now said my lessons to the ushers
with indifference--if I acquitted myself ill, I was unpunished--if well,
unnoticed. My spirits began to give way fast, and I was beginning to
feel the pernicious patronage of the servants. They would call me off
the play-ground, on which I moped, send me on some message, or employ me
in some light service. All this was winked at by the master, and as for
the mistress, she never let me know that it occurred to her that I was
in existence. It was evident that Mr Root had no objection to all
this, for, in consideration of the money paid to him for my education,
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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