She longed to comfort them, to raise them up, to wipe from their hands
and garments the muddy gold stains of the gutter into which they had
fallen, to smooth away the lines of mean care from their faces. But it
had been far simpler in her previous life to share her hard-earned bread
with those who needed it than it was now to share her equally
hard-earned thoughts and slow gleanings of spiritual knowledge, to share
the things which belonged to her peace.
Rachel had not yet wholly recovered from the overwhelming passion of
love which, admitted without fear a few years ago, had devastated the
little city of her heart, as by fire and sword, involving its hospitable
dwellings, its temples, and its palaces in one common ruin. Out of that
desolation she was unconsciously rebuilding her city, but it was still
rather gaunt and bare, the trees had not had time to grow in the
streets, and there was an ugly fortification round it of defaced,
fire-seared stones, which had once stood aloft in minaret and tower, and
which now served only as a defence against all corners.
If Dick had been in trouble, or rather if she had known the troubles he
had been through, and which had made his crooked mouth shut so firmly,
Rachel might possibly have been able to give him something more valuable
than the paper money of her friendship. But Dick was obviously
independent. He could do without her, while Hugh had a claim upon her.
Rachel's thoughts turned to Hugh again and ever again. Did he see his
conduct as she saw it? A haunting fear was upon her that he did not. And
she longed with an intensity that outbalanced for the time every other
feeling that he should confess his sin fully, entirely--see it in all
its ugliness, and gather himself together into a deep repentance before
he went down into silence, or before he made a fresh start in life. She
would have given her right hand to achieve that.
And in a lesser degree she was drawn towards Lady Newhaven. Lady
Newhaven was conscious of the tender compassion which Rachel felt for
her, and used it to the uttermost; but unfortunately she mistook it for
admiration of her character, mixed with sympathetic sorrow for her
broken heart. If she had seen herself as Rachel saw her, she would have
conceived, not for herself, but for Rachel, some of the aversion which
was gradually distilling, bitter drop by drop, into her mind for her
husband. She would not have killed him. She would have thought herself
incapable of an action so criminal, so monstrous. But if part of the
ruin in the garden were visibly trembling to its fall, she would not
have warned him if he had been sitting beneath it, nor would her
conscience have ever reproached her afterwards.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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