Lesbians -- Fiction; Psychological fiction; Women teachers -- Fiction
The child looked doubtful; but the steaming liquid was tempting and the
new-baked, shining cakes. She obeyed. Alwynne watched the faint colour
flush her cheeks with a satisfaction that surprised herself.
"Finish it all up--d'you hear? I must go." She hesitated: "Louise--you
were very good to-day. I am sure Miss Hartill must have been awfully
pleased."
She went back to the stage. She had had the pleasure of bringing a look
of relief to Louise's face. Alwynne could never remember that the
kindest lie is a lie none the less.
In the part of Arthur the child, unconsciously, had seen embodied her
own psychological situation. She had enacted the spirit, if not the
letter, of her own state of mind, and in the mock death had experienced
something of the sensations, the sense of release, of a real one. Left
to herself, she might gradually have dreamed and imagined and acted
herself out of her troubles, have drifted back to real life again, cured
and sane. But Alwynne, with her suggestion of good cheer, had destroyed
the skin of make-believe that was forming healingly upon the child's
sore heart. Louise awoke, with a pang of hope, to her real situation.
"I am sure Miss Hartill must have been awfully pleased." ... So pleased
that, who knew, she might yet forgive the crime of the examination? If
it might be.... "What might be must be," cried the child within her.
There came a crash of clapping; the rehearsal was over at last, and in a
few moments flocks of girls, chattering and excited, came trouping past
Louise on their way to tea.
She did not follow them. She was suddenly aware of boy's clothes. She
must change them.... She could not find Miss Hartill till she was tidy,
and she had determined to speak with her.
Miss Durand had said.... She would do as Arthur did to Hubert--she would
besiege Miss Hartill, force her to be kind, till she could say, "Oh, now
you look Miss Hartill! all this while you were disguised." She shivered
at the idea of undergoing once more the emotional experience of the
scene--but the vision of Miss Hartill transfigured drew her as a magnet
pulls a needle.
She went towards the stairs.
The big music-room at the top of the house had been temporarily
converted into a dressing-room, and she thought she would go quickly and
change, while it was still quiet and spacious. But as she pushed open
the swinging doors that divided staircase from passage, she saw Clare
coming down the long corridor. There was no one else in sight. Again
wild, unreasoning hopes flooded her. She would seize the opportunity ...
she would speak to Miss Hartill there and then.... She would ask her why
she was always angry.... Perhaps she would be kind? "I am sure Miss
Hartill must have been awfully pleased...." She must have speech with
her at once--at once....
She waited, holding open the door, her heart beating violently, her face
steeled to composure.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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