Lesbians -- Fiction; Psychological fiction; Women teachers -- Fiction
Alwynne put her hand shyly on her shoulders, talking at random.
"Clare, dear, do get up. Come on to the sofa. You mustn't kneel there.
You'll strain yourself. I always get tired kneeling in church. It makes
one's heart ache."
Clare would not move.
"Don't you think my heart aches?" she said. "Don't you think it aches
all day? You're young--you're cold--you can sit there reading,
reading--with a ghost at your shoulder----"
An undecipherable expression flashed across Alwynne's face. It came but
to go--and Clare, absorbed in her own passion, saw nothing.
"It's Louise!" she cried, between sincerity and histrionics. "Calling to
some one. Calling from her grave. They call it an accident, like fools.
Oh, can't you hear? She died because she was forced. She's
complaining--plaining--plaining----I tell you it's nothing to do with
me. It wasn't my fault!"
She flung her arms about Alwynne's waist and clutched her convulsively.
She was sincere enough at last.
"Alwynne! Alwynne! Say it was not my fault."
Alwynne sank to her knees beside her and held her close. They clung to
each other like scared children. But Clare's abandonment awoke all
Alwynne's protective instincts. She crushed down whatever emotions had
hollowed her eyes and whitened her cheeks in the last long weeks, and
addressed herself to quieting Clare. Clare, stepped off her pedestal,
unpoised, clinging helplessly, was a new experience. In the face of it
she felt herself childish, inadequate. But Clare was in trouble and
needed her. The very marvel of it steadied. All her love for Clare rose
within her, overflowed her, like a warm tide.
By sheer strength she pulled Clare into a chair and dropped on to the
floor beside her, face upturned, talking fast and eagerly.
"You're not to talk like that. Of course it's not your fault. If
anything could be your fault. Clare, darling, don't look like that. You
must lean back and rest. You're just tired, you know. We've talked of it
so often. You know it was an accident. Why can't you believe it, if
every one else does?"
"Do you?" said Clare intently.
Alwynne's eyes met hers defiantly.
"I do. Of course I do. It's wicked to torment yourself. But if I
didn't--if the poor baby was overtired and overworked--is it your fault?
You only saw her in class at the last. You couldn't help it if the
exams, and the play were suddenly too much--if something snapped----"
"You see, you do think so," said Clare bitterly. "I've always known you
did. Well--think what you like--what do I care?" She put up her clenched
hands and rubbed and kneaded at her dry aching eyes.
Alwynne watched her, desperately. Here was her lady wanting comfort, and
she had found none. She wracked her brains as the sluggish minutes
passed.
Clare's hands dropped at last. She met Alwynne's anxious gaze and
laughed harshly.
"Well? The verdict? That I was a brute to Louise, I suppose?"
Alwynne looked at her wistfully.
"Clare, I do love you so."
Clare stiffened.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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