Lesbians -- Fiction; Psychological fiction; Women teachers -- Fiction
Her mother's choice of books was so completely to her taste that they
gave the lonely child her first experience of mental companionship;
suggesting to her that there might be other intelligences in the world
about her than the kindly, stolid folk who cherished her growing body
and ignored her growing mind. She was almost startled at times to
realise how completely this vague mother of hers would have understood
her. Each new volume, fanciful or quizzical or gracious, seemed a direct
gift from an invisible yet human personality, that concerned itself with
her as no other had ever done; that was never occupied with the
dustiness of the attic, or a forgotten tea-hour, but was astonishingly
sensitive to the needs of a little soul, struggling unaided to birth.
The pile of books, to her hungry affections, became the temple, the
veritable dwelling-place of her mother's spirit.
Seated on the sun-baked floor, book on knee, the noises of the high road
floating up to her, distance-dulled and soothing, she would shake her
thick hair across her face, and see through its veil a melting, shifting
shadow of a hand that helped to turn her pages. The warm floor was a
soft lap; the battered trunk a shoulder that supported; the faint breeze
a kiss upon her lips. The fantastic qualities the mother had bequeathed,
recreated her in the mind of her child, bringing vague comfort (who
knows?) alike to the dead and the living Louise.
Yet the impalpable intercourse, compact of make-believe and yearnings,
was, at its sweetest, no safe substitute for the human companionships
that were lacking in the life of Louise. Half consciously she desired an
elder sister, a friend, on whom to lavish the stores of her ardent,
reticent nature.
At twelve she was sent to school. At first it did little for her. She
was unaccustomed to companions of her own age and sex and, quite simply,
did not know how to make friends with many who would have been willing
enough, if she could have contributed her share, the small change of
joke and quarrel and confidence, towards intimacy. But Louise was too
inured to the solitude of crowds to be troubled by her continued
loneliness. She met the complaints of Mrs. Denny, that she made no
friends like other children, with a shrug of resignation. What could she
do? She supposed that she was not nice enough; people didn't like her.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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