Strabismus and Justice Street Cars and Curiosities Taxidermy The Amateur Carpenter The Approaching Humorist The Arabian Language The Average Hen The Bite of a Mad Dog The Blase Young Man The Board of Trade The Cell Nest The Chinese God The Church Debt The Cow Boy The Crops The Duke of Rawhide The Expensive Word The Heyday of Life The Holy Terror The Indian Orator The Little Barefoot Boy The Miner at Home The Newspaper The Old South The Old Subscriber The Opium Habit The Photograph Habit The Poor Blind Pig The Sedentary Hen The Silver Dollar The Snake Indian The Story of a Struggler The Wail of a Wife The Warrior's Oration The Ways of Doctors The Weeping Woman The Wild Cow They Fell Time's Changes To a Married Man To an Embryo Poet To Her Majesty To The President-Elect Twombley's Tale Two Ways of Telling It Venice Verona “We” What We Eat Woman's Wonderful Influence Woodtick William's Story Words About Washington Wrestling With the Mazy “You Heah Me, Sah!” [Illustration: WE WERE NOT ON TERMS OF INTIMACY.] My School Days. Looking over my own school days, there are so many things that I would rather not tell, that it will take very little time and space for me to use in telling what I am willing that the carping public should know about my early history. I began my educational career in a log school house. Finding that other great men had done that way, I began early to look around me for a log school house where I could begin in a small way to soak my system full of hard words and information. For a time I learned very rapidly. Learning came to me with very little effort at first. I would read my lesson over once or twice and then take my place in the class. It never bothered me to recite my lesson and so I stood at the head of the class. I could stick my big toe through a knot-hole in the floor and work out the most difficult problem. This became at last a habit with me. With my knot-hole I was safe, without it I would hesitate. A large red-headed boy, with feet like a summer squash and eyes like those of a dead codfish, was my rival. He soon discovered that I was very dependent on that knot-hole, and so one night he stole into the school house and plugged up the knot-hole, so that I could not work my toe into it and thus refresh my memory. Then the large red-headed boy, who had not formed the knot-hole habit went to the head of the class and remained there. After I grew larger, my parents sent me to a military school. That is where I got the fine military learning and stately carriage that I still wear. My room was on the second floor, and it was very difficult for me to leave it at night, because the turnkey locked us up at 9 o'clock every evening. Still, I used to get out once in a while and wander around in the starlight. I did not know yet why I did it, but I presume it was a kind of somnambulism. I would go to bed thinking so intently of my lessons that I would get up and wander away, sometimes for miles, in the solemn night.