It bumps like blazes and swerves like sin When it nears a bar or passes an inn; It jerks like the tail of a crazy kite When a brewery looms on the left or right. When it nears The Coop or The Rooters' Rest It bucks as a mustang bucks out West. But, calmly refusing to get a jag on, Raymond clings to that water wagon. * * * To Revere's great feat you may point with pride, But Raymond is riding a greater ride.[1] [1] This is only a spring poem. FOUR CONVERSATIONS "I used to have 'em buffaloed when I was with Duluth, Out in that dinky pine tree league, and here's the honest truth: This Mathewson ain't better. Say, the benders that I slung Had all the sluggers swinging till they'd almost bust a lung. I'll get 'em just the same right here--McGraw knows I can't lose." Said the Pitcher to the Barboy up at Paddy Donahue's. "I lost a tough game yesterday, but that don't make me sad; Believe me, I had everything--they walloped all I had. I didn't get no swell support; my catcher crossed me twice And all the infield acted like a wagon full of ice. They all support this Mathewson. When I go in we lose!" Said the Pitcher to the Barboy up at Paddy Donahue's. "I've been here just two months to-day, and things are looking black; I lost a tough one yesterday, and now I've got the sack. Say, everyone's against me, kid. My curve is breaking great, But four guys slammed it yesterday clear to the left field gate. Now I'm released--you hear me? Released with run-down shoes!" Said the Pitcher to the Barboy up at Paddy Donahue's. * * * _"Get out of here, you rummy! I can't hand you no more booze!" Said the Barboy to the Pitcher up at Paddy Donahue's._ "INSIDE" BASEBALL (_The warden of one of the State penitentiaries has begun a system of Saturday half holidays for the convicts, a baseball game on the prison grounds being the main feature._) You talk of "inside" baseball and of managerial plans, Of signs and mental flashes that are Greek to all the fans; You tell of wondrous brainwork, such as Evers used to use When he wasn't in his shoe store, selling patent leather shoes. I've seen some "inside" baseball in the various big league towns, And seen some "inside" pitching by the Mathewsons and Browns, But the finest "inside" baseball I have seen in many a day Is inside the dear old prison, where they like to have me stay. The Yeggmen lead the league just now--that team is full of tricks; They beat the Con Men yesterday by seventeen to six. The Lifers have an outside chance to win the prison flag; The Counterfeiters still have hopes, although they seldom brag. The pitcher for the Grafters, namely, Alderman McGee, Has bet his good behavior that they'll finish one, two, three. Yes, the finest "inside" baseball I have seen in many a day Is inside the dear old prison, where they like to have me stay.