Mrs. Hudson dropped helplessly into her seat again. “Oh dear, dear, had
n’t we better go home?”
“Not to get out of her way!” Roderick said. “She has started on a career
of her own, and she does n’t care a straw for me. My head was filled
with her; I could think of nothing else; I would have sacrificed
everything to her--you, Mary, Mallet, my work, my fortune, my future, my
honor! I was in a fine state, eh? I don’t pretend to be giving you good
news; but I ‘m telling the simple, literal truth, so that you may know
why I have gone to the dogs. She pretended to care greatly for all this,
and to be willing to make any sacrifice in return; she had a magnificent
chance, for she was being forced into a mercenary marriage with a man
she detested. She led me to believe that she would give this up, and
break short off, and keep herself free and sacred and pure for me. This
was a great honor, and you may believe that I valued it. It turned
my head, and I lived only to see my happiness come to pass. She did
everything to encourage me to hope it would; everything that her
infernal coquetry and falsity could suggest.”
“Oh, I say, this is too much!” Rowland broke out.
“Do you defend her?” Roderick cried, with a renewal of his passion. “Do
you pretend to say that she gave me no hopes?” He had been speaking
with growing bitterness, quite losing sight of his mother’s pain and
bewilderment in the passionate joy of publishing his wrongs. Since he
was hurt, he must cry out; since he was in pain, he must scatter his
pain abroad. Of his never thinking of others, save as they spoke and
moved from his cue, as it were, this extraordinary insensibility to the
injurious effects of his eloquence was a capital example; the more so
as the motive of his eloquence was never an appeal for sympathy or
compassion, things to which he seemed perfectly indifferent and of which
he could make no use. The great and characteristic point with him was
the perfect absoluteness of his own emotions and experience. He never
saw himself as part of a whole; only as the clear-cut, sharp-edged,
isolated individual, rejoicing or raging, as the case might be, but
needing in any case absolutely to affirm himself. All this, to Rowland,
was ancient history, but his perception of it stirred within him afresh,
at the sight of Roderick’s sense of having been betrayed. That he,
under the circumstances, should not in fairness be the first to lodge a
complaint of betrayal was a point to which, at his leisure, Rowland was
of course capable of rendering impartial justice; but Roderick’s
present desperation was so peremptory that it imposed itself on one’s
sympathies. “Do you pretend to say,” he went on, “that she did n’t lead
me along to the very edge of fulfillment and stupefy me with all that
she suffered me to believe, all that she sacredly promised? It amused
her to do it, and she knew perfectly well what she really meant. She
never meant to be sincere; she never dreamed she could be. She ‘s a
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