To analyse the feelings that possessed me that night would be
impossible. One hears sometimes of a murderer "escaping." That may
never be. The officers of the law may not suspect him, the hangman's
rope may never come near him, but no murderer escapes. He never
escapes the terrible undefinable fear which constantly dogs him, the
ghastly gnawing which eats at his heart.
At every step I saw my brother Wilfred. I constantly heard his voice,
and every footfall spoke of what I had done. The hedges were full of
grinning devils, which mocked me, while the stars that spangled the sky
spelt the word that was dragging me deeper into hell.
Time after time I tried to comfort myself with the thought that I did
not intentionally kill him, that it was an accident which caused him to
fall upon those cruel rocks hundreds of feet below, but I found no
comfort in the thought. I could not get rid of the fact that I hated
my brother, and that whosoever hateth his brother is a murderer. Even
had I not done the deed, even had Wilfred been alive, I was still a
murderer at heart. I had hated him alive, I hated him still, and even
now I had no sorrow at what I had done.
On, on I went, wildly yet wearily; tired I was, but I never rested, nor
abated my speed, and ever as I went ghastly thoughts tormented me. Now
I pictured him lying bruised and bleeding among the rocks, alive yet
helpless; and as he lay I saw the tide rising all around him, and
laughing at his cries for help. Then I saw him a ghastly, mis-shapen
mass, crushed and battered beyond all recognition, with eyes red as
blood and bursting from their sockets. Again I saw him, and the scene
was more terrible still. He was entering a great gulf which I knew to
be the mouth of hell, and as he went I saw that he was attended by
ghastly, pallid creatures, who were cold and clammy in spite of the
fires that burned in their breasts.
"Who sent you here?" they cried, in harshly grating voices.
"My brother Roger!" he answered.
"Breathe the prayer dearest to your heart!" they grinned.
"May he wallow in a hell a thousand times blacker and more painful than
this," he said.
"Your prayer shall be granted," they screamed.
Then I lost him amidst gloomy caverns, that burned with fires giving no
light, and I realised that I was still tramping madly on towards the
south-east, but I knew his prayer was answered--my hell was blacker
than his.
Oh! the length of that awful night. Every second seemed a minute,
every minute seemed a day, nay, a night, a thousand dark nights! I was
in eternal punishment! I had died into eternal death!
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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