ROGERS-ISMS The Cowboy Philosopher on _The Peace Conference_ By WILL ROGERS [Illustration] Frontispiece Portrait [Illustration] _NEW YORK_: HARPER & BROTHERS: _PUBLISHERS_ ROGERS-ISMS: THE COWBOY PHILOSOPHER ON THE PEACE CONFERENCE Copyright, 1919, by Harper & Brothers Printed in the United States of America Published May, 1919 The Cowboy Philosopher on _The Peace Conference_ _In the Five times I have appeared before President Wilson I have used dozens of these same jokes, about him, And he has the best sense of humor and is the best audience I ever played too, Which bears out the theory I work on, That you can always joke about a big Man that is really big, But dont ever kid about the little fellow that thinks he is something, cause he will get sore Thats why hes little,_ W. R. ALIBI There is no particular reason why I should horn in on you Public with a Book, But thats just when they seem to write them, When theres no need or reason for them, _The shorter white Paper gets the more careless these Pen Hounds get with it,_ All my friends advise me to go ahead Will and write it cause you wont annoy people with it like these other Writers do with theirs, Nobody will read yours When a Guy has never grazed educationally any further than McGuffeys fourth Reader his ravings aint liable to throw any jealous scare into Literary Circles, _Grammar and I get along like a Russian and a BathTub,_ In fact Americans are getting to dote too much on Grammar and Good Manners, They say the most perfect English in this country is spoken in Sing Sing, And at the Federal Prison in Atlanta, They claim a Knife never touched a Lip, So you see where that junk leads you too, I was going to write a Book on the War, But I heard some fellow had already done it, In fact I figure that the fellow who dont write on the war will be a novelty, There is so many Books on the War that no two people will have to read the same Book. Then the War was too serious a subject I could not write on it, But the Peace Feast, That seemed to offer a better field for Humor provided you stick to the _facts_, _I have some inside facts procured from the most reliable source_, And as I dont want to see the World grow up in ignorance on this historical subject I would really feel selfish and mean too withold it, Heres how I got it, There is a fellow I know, Who had a friend, And this friends Sister had a sweetheart and he was a Soldier in France and his cousins pal was a Bunkie of Col Houses Chouffer, The Col told his Chouffer So you see my information comes from the same place Pres Wilsons does, _So Here Goes Under The Bottom With_ THE FIRST PEACE BOOK, THE PEACE CONFERENCE