She turned her face to his, and said abruptly, "Neale, it's just come to
me.... I hadn't thought of that ... perhaps you don't really love me
either, not in _that_ way ... perhaps you never did. Perhaps I've just
found all of it out in time."
Neale was startled, frightened, unutterably desolate but he made no
pretense of being taken by surprise. "I can't bear to give you up,
Martha," he said looking down at her. "Perhaps what we have is all we
could ever have. We may lose this and have nothing. Perhaps there really
is nothing else. What we have is ... is ... very good to have." His face
contracted in a pain that really did surprise him by its keenness. He
was horrified at the idea of losing Martha altogether.
Martha gazed steadily into his face as if trying to understand what he
said, their old habit of sharing things, of talking things over, strong
on her. He noted how pale and drawn her face was, with dark rings under
her eyes. She had been suffering, she too had had broken nights. And as
he looked he saw from her eyes that she was no longer seeing him, but
some inner vision.
She shivered and drew away from him. "Yes, there is something else ...
something we haven't ... and it's what makes it all right," she said.
"I'd rather have nothing at all ... nothing ... _ever_! than something
that would make part of me shrink away from you. I couldn't stand that!
I couldn't stand that!"
She had said the last words wildly, and she was back by the door now, as
if ready for flight.
Neale sat down heavily in a chair, and hid his face in his hands. "All
that this means," he said to himself as much as to Martha, "all that
this means, any of it, is that I have not been man enough to make you
love me."
At this she came flying back to him, incarnate tenderness, "No, no,
Neale, I _do_ love you. I know in my heart that even if I should ever
marry any one else, I'll never feel for anybody the affection, the
trust ... I couldn't ... it's not that. Loving you as I do only makes it
more impossible, more utterly impossible. You mustn't think this is just
the nervous reaction from any sudden shock of knowledge. I knew ... I
knew well enough what marriage is! But I hadn't felt it."
She moaned aloud in her bewilderment, "How can I tell you? How can I
make you understand? I don't understand, myself. Why can't I give you
what Margaret has to give?"
She was bending over him and now snatched his hand and caught it up to
her breast, "Neale, I'd give anything to want to marry you! Anything!
I've tried and tried. It's like a mountain between us.... I can't reach
you through it. Neale, perhaps we're too much alike. Perhaps that is
what brought us together, but that is what keeps us apart! We can't
unite! I thought of so many things! We're like two chemicals that can't
combine. They can't! That's the way they're made!"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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