At the piano Mlle. Hasparren and Father Armandariz were talking together
of the next evening's rehearsal, Mlle. Hasparren occasionally
illustrating with one hand what she was saying. How deeply human was the
look of intimate confidence they bent on each other, the ugly young
priest and the ugly old school-teacher. They might well be thankful that
they had found each other in the world.
Mlle. Hasparren turned around now and asked Marise if she would not play
for them. "I would be so proud to show my friends what an old pupil of
mine has come to be," she said fondly.
It seemed to Marise that she had never in her life felt so like playing.
What should it be? She swerved on her way to the piano to stoop to kiss
Mlle. Hasparren's swarthy cheek, and, sitting down, with an affectionate
smile at her, began the Toccata in D minor, just as Mlle. Hasparren had
taught it to her, with all she had learned since then. She had never
played to such an audience; when she turned around Father Armandariz was
looking beatific and Mlle. Hasparren exalted with pride. She had never
played so well. She had, she felt, just begun to know what music was.
* * * * *
Mlle. Hasparren had set up for her a folding cot in her own room, since
there was no other bedroom in the tiny house. They slept side by side,
near enough so that they could have reached out and clasped each other's
hands as on that night so long ago when Mlle. Hasparren had pulled
Marise out of the black pit. Marise could not go to sleep. Long after
Mlle. Hasparren lay breathing deep, her dark face relaxed in a selfless
quiet that was not more selfless than her waking look, Marise lay
looking out at the stars and the mountains, thinking, trembling,
sometimes feeling hot bitter tears in her eyes, sometimes feeling her
heart swell high with strange, unearthly aspiration.
Mlle. Hasparren was right. She had always been right. To keep clear of
all troubling, maddening, personal relations that were sure to end by
poisoning you, not to want anything for yourself, to give all for
music--how _safe_ you would be, to live like that. And how sweet it
would be to feel safe! She never had. She was so _tired_ of feeling
afraid. Why _not_ live like that? When you knew it was the only safe
way! When you knew that if you did not, you would fall headlong into
that dreadful mire that splashed up such indelible stains upon your mind
at even the few chance contacts with it which life brought to a girl.
Yes, that was the only safe way. Never to go back to Rome at all.
Somehow to devise a life all devotion to music, with the miserable
personal affections burned up in that greater ardor. Yes, that, Marise
decided, that was the only tolerable, the only endurable future she
could see.
* * * * *
People began to stand up, to put on their wraps and collect their
valises. The train was passing the outskirts of Rome. It would be in the
station in a few minutes.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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