The soldier looked up: “What would you say,” he said, “to bottles
of wine bursting in the air, bursting red and bursting white, all day
long, all night long? Great steel bottles, large as Chica: bits of
bottles, carrying off men's heads? Bsum, garra-a-a, and a house comes
down, and little bits of people ever so small, ever so small, tiny bits
in the air and all over the ground. Great souls out there, madame. But I
will tell you a secret,” and again he gave his heavy giggle, “all a
little, little mad; nothing to speak of—just a little bit mad; like
a watch, you know, that you can wind for ever. That is the discovery of
this war, mademoiselle,” he said, addressing Noel for the first
time, “you cannot gain a great soul till you are a little mad.” And
lowering his piggy grey eyes at once, he resumed his former attitude.
“It is that madness I shall paint some day,” he announced to
the carpet; “lurking in one tiny corner of each soul of all those
millions, as it creeps, as it peeps, ever so sudden, ever so little when
we all think it has been put to bed, here—there, now—then, when you
least think; in and out like a mouse with bright eyes. Millions of men
with white souls, all a little mad. A great subject, I think,” he
added heavily. Involuntarily Noel put her hand to her heart, which was
beating fast. She felt quite sick.
“How long have you been at the Front, monsieur?”
“Two years, mademoiselle. Time to go home and paint, is it not? But
art—!” he shrugged his heavy round shoulders, his whole bear-like
body. “A little mad,” he muttered once more. “I will tell you a
story. Once in winter after I had rested a fortnight, I go back to the
trenches at night, and I want some earth to fill up a hole in the
ground where I was sleeping; when one has slept in a bed one becomes
particular. Well, I scratch it from my parapet, and I come to something
funny. I strike my briquet, and there is a Boche's face all frozen and
earthy and dead and greeny-white in the flame from my briquet.”
“Oh, no!”
“Oh! but yes, mademoiselle; true as I sit here. Very useful in the
parapet—dead Boche. Once a man like me. But in the morning I could not
stand him; we dug him out and buried him, and filled the hole up with
other things. But there I stood in the night, and my face as close to
his as this”—and he held his thick hand a foot before his face.
“We talked of our homes; he had a soul, that man. 'Il me disait des
choses', how he had suffered; and I, too, told him my sufferings. Dear
God, we know all; we shall never know more than we know out there, we
others, for we are mad—nothing to speak of, but just a little, little
mad. When you see us, mademoiselle, walking the streets, remember
that.” And he dropped his face on to his fists again.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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