And so Noel walked there with him, for Gratian had gone down to George,
for the week-end. She slipped quietly up the side aisle to their empty
pew, under the pulpit. Never turning her eyes from the chancel, she
remained unconscious of the stir her presence made, during that hour and
twenty minutes. Behind her, the dumb currents of wonder, disapproval,
and resentment ran a stealthy course. On her all eyes were fixed sooner
or later, and every mind became the play ground of judgments. From every
soul, kneeling, standing, or sitting, while the voice of the Service
droned, sang, or spoke, a kind of glare radiated on to that one small
devoted head, which seemed so ludicrously devout. She disturbed their
devotions, this girl who had betrayed her father, her faith, her class.
She ought to repent, of course, and Church was the right place; yet
there was something brazen in her repenting there before their very
eyes; she was too palpable a flaw in the crystal of the Church's
authority, too visible a rent in the raiment of their priest. Her figure
focused all the uneasy amazement and heart searchings of these last
weeks. Mothers quivered with the knowledge that their daughters could
see her; wives with the idea that their husbands were seeing her.
Men experienced sensations varying from condemnation to a sort of
covetousness. Young folk wondered, and felt inclined to giggle. Old
maids could hardly bear to look. Here and there a man or woman who had
seen life face to face, was simply sorry! The consciousness of all who
knew her personally was at stretch how to behave if they came within
reach of her in going out. For, though only half a dozen would actually
rub shoulders with her, all knew that they might be, and many felt it
their duty to be, of that half-dozen, so as to establish their attitude
once for all. It was, in fact, too severe a test for human nature and
the feelings which Church ought to arouse. The stillness of that young
figure, the impossibility of seeing her face and judging of her state
of mind thereby; finally, a faint lurking shame that they should be so
intrigued and disturbed by something which had to do with sex, in
this House of Worship—all combined to produce in every mind that
herd-feeling of defence, which so soon becomes, offensive. And, half
unconscious, half aware of it all, Noel stood, and sat, and knelt. Once
or twice she saw her father's eyes fixed on her; and, still in the
glow of last night's pity and remorse, felt a kind of worship for
his thin grave face. But for the most part, her own wore the expression
Lavendie had translated to his canvas—the look of one ever waiting
for the extreme moments of life, for those few and fleeting poignancies
which existence holds for the human heart. A look neither hungry nor
dissatisfied, but dreamy and expectant, which might blaze into warmth
and depth at any moment, and then go back to its dream.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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