“Monsieur, au fond we are all concerned with self. To seem selfless is
but your particular way of cultivating the perfection of self. You admit
that not to obtrude self is the way to perfect yourself. Eh bien! What
is that but a deeper concern with self? To be free of this, there is no
way but to forget all about oneself in what one is doing, as I forget
everything when I am painting. But,” he added, with a sudden smile,
“you would not wish to forget the perfecting of self—it would not be
right in your profession. So I must take away this picture, must I not?
It is one of my best works: I regret much not to have finished it.”
“Some day, perhaps—”
“Some day! The picture will stand still, but mademoiselle will not.
She will rush at something, and behold! this face will be gone. No; I
prefer to keep it as it is. It has truth now.” And lifting down the
canvas, he stood it against the wall and folded up the easel. “Bon
soir, monsieur, you have been very good to me.” He wrung Pierson's
hand; and his face for a moment seemed all eyes and spirit. “Adieu!”
“Good-bye,” Pierson murmured. “God bless you!”
“I don't know if I have great confidence in Him,” replied
Lavendie, “but I shall ever remember that so good a man as you has
wished it. To mademoiselle my distinguished salutations, if you
please. If you will permit me, I will come back for my other things
to-morrow.” And carrying easel and canvas, he departed.
Pierson stayed in the old drawing-room, waiting for Gratian to come in,
and thinking over the painter's words. Had his education and position
really made it impossible for him to be brotherly? Was this the secret
of the impotence which he sometimes felt; the reason why charity and
love were not more alive in the hearts of his congregation? 'God knows
I've no consciousness of having felt myself superior,' he thought;
'and yet I would be truly ashamed to tell people of my troubles and of
my struggles. Can it be that Christ, if he were on earth, would count us
Pharisees, believing ourselves not as other men? But surely it is not as
Christians but rather as gentlemen that we keep ourselves to ourselves.
Officers, he called us. I fear—I fear it is true.' Ah, well! There
would not be many more days now. He would learn out there how to open
the hearts of others, and his own. Suffering and death levelled all
barriers, made all men brothers. He was still sitting there when Gratian
came in; and taking her hand, he said:
“Noel has gone down to George, and I want you to get transferred
and go to them, Gracie. I'm giving up the parish and asking for a
chaplaincy.”
“Giving up? After all this time? Is it because of Nollie?”
“No, I think not; I think the time has come. I feel my work here is
barren.”
“Oh, no! And even if it is, it's only because—”
Pierson smiled. “Because of what, Gracie?”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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