Its results only, not its modes of operation or their stages, I may
venture attempting to convey. It was the wind blowing where it listed,
doing everything and explaining nothing. That wind from the timeless and
spaceless and formless region of God’s feeling and God’s thought, blew
open the eyes of this man’s mind so that he saw, and became aware that
he saw. It blew away the long-gathered vapours of his self-satisfaction
and conceit; it blew wide the windows of his soul, that the sweet odour
of his father’s and mother’s thoughts concerning him might enter; and
when it entered, he knew it for what it was; it blew back to him his own
judgments of them and their doings, and he saw those judgments side by
side with his new insights into their real thoughts and feelings; it
blew away the desert sands of his own moral dulness, indifference, and
selfishness, that had so long hidden beneath them the watersprings of
his own heart, existent by and for love and its gladness; it cleared
all his conscious being, made him understand that he had never hitherto
loved his mother or his father, or any neighbour; that he had never
loved God one genuine atom, never loved the Lord Christ, his Master,
or cared in the least that he had died for him; had never at any moment
loved Isy—least of all when to himself he pleaded in his own excuse
that he had loved her. That blowing wind, which he could not see,
neither knew whence it came, and yet less whither it was going, began to
blow together his soul and those of his parents; the love in his father
and in his mother drew him; the memories of his childhood drew him; for
the heart of God himself was drawing him, as it had been from the first,
only now first he began to feel its drawing; and as he yielded to that
drawing and went nearer, God drew ever more and more strongly; until at
last—I know not, I say, how God did it, or whereby he made the soul of
James Blatherwick different from what it had been—but at last it grew
capable of loving, and did love: first, he yielded to love because he
could not help it; then he willed to love because he could love; then,
become conscious of the power, he loved the more, and so went on to
love more and more. And thus did James become what he had to become—or
perish.
But for this liberty, he had to pass through wild regions of torment
and horror; he had to become all but mad, and know it; his body, and his
soul as well, had to be parched with fever, thirst, and fear; he had to
sleep and dream lovely dreams of coolness and peace and courage; then
wake and know that all his life he had been dead, and now first was
alive; that love, new-born, was driving out the gibbering phantoms; that
now indeed it was good to be, and know others alive about him; that now
life was possible, because life was to love, and love was to live. What
love was, or how it was, he could not tell; he knew only that it was the
will and the joy of the Father and the Son.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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