Men -- Russia -- Fiction; Russia -- Social life and customs -- 20th century -- Fiction
“I see,” he began, in a subdued tone, “that you contemplate sacrificing
yourself for her. ‘I will descend to her level, and protect her from
the mob,’ and so on. That’s what you are saying to your virtuous self,
waxing big in your own eyes as a worm does in carrion. But it’s all a
sham; nothing else but a lie! You’re not in the least capable of self-
sacrifice. If, for instance, Lida had been disfigured by small-pox,
perhaps you might have worked yourself up to such a deed of heroism.
But after a couple of days you would have embittered her life, either
spurning her or deserting her, or overwhelming her reproaches. At
present your attitude towards yourself is one of adoration, as if you
were an _ikon_. Yes, yes, your face is transfigured, and every one
would say, ‘Oh! look, there’s a saint.’ Yet you have lost nothing which
you desired. Lida’s limbs are the same as before; so are her passion
and her splendid vitality. But of course, it is extremely convenient
and also agreeable to provide oneself with enjoyment while piously
imagining that one is doing a noble deed. I should rather say it was!”
At these words, Novikoff’s self-pity gave place to a nobler sentiment.
“You take me to be worse than I am,” he said reproachfully. “I am not
so wanting in feeling as you think. I won’t deny that I have certain
prejudices, but I love Lida Petrovna, and if I were quite sure that she
loved me, do you think that I should take a long while to make up my
mind, because …”
His voice failed him at this last word.
Sanine suddenly became quite calm. Crossing the room, he stood at the
open window, lost in thought.
“Just now she is very sad,” he said, “and will hardly be thinking of
love. If she loves you or not, how can I tell? But it seems to me that
if you came to her as the second man who did not condemn her for her
brief amour, well…. Anyway, there’s no knowing what she’ll say!”
Novikoff sat there, as one in a dream. Sadness and joy produced within
his heart a sense of happiness as gentle and elusive as the light in an
evening sky.
“Let us go to her,” said Sanine. “Whatever happens, it will please her
to see a human face amid so many false masks that hide grimacing
brutes. You’re a bit of a fool, my friend, but in your stupidity there
is something which others haven’t got. And to think that for ever so
long the world founded its hopes and happiness upon such folly! Come,
let us go!”
Novikoff smiled timidly. “I am very willing to go to her. But will she
care to see me?”
“Don’t think about that,” said Sanine, as he placed both hands on the
other’s shoulders. “If you are minded to do what’s right, then, do it,
and the future will take care of itself.”
“All right; let us go,” exclaimed Novikoff with decision. In the
doorway he stopped and looking Sanine full in the face he said with
unwonted emphasis:
“Look here, if it is in my power, I will do my best to make her happy.
This sounds commonplace, I know, but I can’t express my feelings in any
other way.”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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