DR. CONY (_with evident relish_)--From too much ale or porter or claret or burgundy or champagne or sherry or Rhine Wine or Clover Clubs or Piper Heidsieck or brandy or Bronxes or absinthe or stingers, but the worst of all and the best of all is port wine. COTTONTAIL (_horrified_)--You mean it comes from drinking? Dr. Cony--In all my twenty-five years of professional practice I have never known a case of gout without antecedent alcoholism. COTTONTAIL (_much relieved_)--Well, then, it can't be gout. I've never taken a drink in my life. Dr. Cony--In all my twenty-five years of professional experience I've never made an incorrect diagnosis. It is gout. COTTONTAIL--But I'm president of the Bone Dry Prohibition Union. Dr. Cony--The more shame to you, sir. COTTONTAIL--What shall I do? DR. CONY--Obey my instructions implicitly. A good many doctors will tell you that they can't cure gout. Undoubtedly they are right. They can't. But I can. Only you simply must stop drinking. Cutting down and tapering off to ten or twelve drinks a day won't do. You must stop absolutely. No liquor at all. Do you understand? Not a drop, sir. COTTONTAIL (_his nose violently palpitating with emotion_)--I never took a drink in my life. I'm president of the Bone Dry Prohibition Union. I was just sitting quietly reading _The Evening Post_-- DR. CONY--Save that story for your bone-dry friends. I have nothing to do with your past life. I'm not judging you. It's nature that says the alcoholic must pay and pay and pay. I'm only concerned now with the present and the future, and the present is that you're suffering from alcoholism manifested in gout, and the future is that you'll die if you don't stop drinking. COTTONTAIL--I tell you I promised my Sunday school teacher when I was a boy that I would always be a Little Light Bearer, and that I would never take a drink if I lived to be a hundred. DR. CONY--Don't worry, you won't live that long, and don't take on so. You're not the first one that's had his fun and then been dragged up by the heels for it. Cheer up. Remember the good times that are gone. Life can't be all carrots, you know. COTTONTAIL--But I never had any good times. DR. CONY--Oh, yes, you did, I'll warrant you. There must have been many merry nights as the bottle passed around the table. (_With evident gusto_) Maybe there was a rousing song--"When Leeks Are Young in Springtime"--or something like that, and I wouldn't be surprised if now and again there was some fluffy little miss to sing soprano to your bass. Youth! Youth! To be young, a rabbit and stewed. (_Quoting reminiscently_) "A leaf of lettuce underneath the bough." After all, salad days are the best days. I never meet an old rabbit with gout but I take off my hat and say, "Sir, you have lived." COTTONTAIL (_wildly_)--It's not true. I never lived like that. I never took a drink in my life. You can ask anybody. Nobody ever saw me take a drink.