Sheppard Lee, Written by Himself. Vol. 1 (of 2)Bird, Robert Montgomery
General
Sheppard Lee, Written by Himself. Vol. 1 (of 2)
Bird, Robert Montgomery
American fiction -- 19th century; Satire
I was born somewhere towards the close of the last century,--but,
the register-leaf having been torn from the family Bible, and no one
remaining who can give me information on the point, I am not certain as
to the exact year,--in the State of New-Jersey, in one of the oldest
counties that border upon the Delaware river. My father was a farmer
in very good circumstances, respectable in his degree, but perhaps
more famous for the excellent sausages he used to manufacture for the
Philadelphia market, than for any quality of mind or body that can
distinguish one man from his fellows. Taking the hint from his success
in this article of produce, he gradually converted his whole estate
into a market-farm, raising fine fruits and vegetables, and such
other articles as are most in demand in a city; in which enterprise
he succeeded beyond his highest expectations, and bade fair to be,
as in the end he became, a rich man. The only obstacle to a speedy
accumulation of riches was a disproportionate increase in the agents
of consumption,--his children multiplying on his hands almost as fast
as his acres, until he could count eleven in all; a number that filled
him at one time with consternation. He used to declare no apple could
be expected to ripen on a farm where there were eleven children; and
as for watermelons and sugar-corn, it was folly to think of raising
them longer. But fate sent my father relief sooner and more effectually
than he either expected or desired: nine of the eleven being removed
by death in a space of time short of six years. Three (two of whom
were twin sisters) were translated in the natural way, falling victims
to an epidemic, and were buried in the same grave. A fourth was soon
after killed by falling out of an apple-tree. My eldest brother, then a
boy of fourteen years old, upon some freak, ran away from home (for he
was of a wild, madcap turn), and, getting into an oyster-boat, made a
voyage into the bay, where he was lost; for, having fallen overboard,
and not being able to swim, a clumsy fellow, who thought to save him
in that way, clutched him round the neck with a pair of oyster-tongs,
and thereby strangled him. Two others were drowned in a millpond, where
they were scraping for snapping-turtles. Another, who was the wag of
the family, was killed by attempting to ride a pig, which, running
in great alarm through a broken fence into the orchard, dashed his
brains out against a white-oak rail; and the ninth died of a sort of
hysterical affection, caused by this unlucky exploit of his brother;
for he could not cease laughing at it, notwithstanding its melancholy
termination, and he died of the fit within twenty-four hours.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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