Sheppard Lee, Written by Himself. Vol. 2 (of 2)Bird, Robert Montgomery
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Sheppard Lee, Written by Himself. Vol. 2 (of 2)
Bird, Robert Montgomery
American fiction -- 19th century; Satire
From this I was roused, after a time, by some one tugging at my
shoulder, who proved, upon examination, to be a very elegant-looking
mulatto-boy--that is, a boy of twenty-five years or thereabouts--who
signified, in language as genteel as his person, that it was exactly
half past eleven o'clock, and therefore time for me to get up.
"Augh--well!" said I, taking about thirty seconds to gape out each
word, it seemed such tiresome work to articulate; "what do you want?"
"Want you to get up, sah. Missie Ann says it does you no good to sleep
so long."
"Augh--who is Missie Ann?"
"Lar bless us," said the gentleman, turning up the white of his eye,
"Missie Ann is massa's sister!"
"Who is massa?"
"_You_, massa--Massa Arthur!"
"Augh--well; and who are you?"
"'Paminondas, massa. Coat very nicely brushed; very fine day; will do
you good, sah, to get up and taste the air. Regular Indian summer, sah."
"You may go to the devil."
"Yes, sah."
With that I turned over for another nap, which I should undoubtedly
have taken, had I not been interrupted, just as I was falling asleep,
by the entrance of a lady of a somewhat starched and venerable
appearance, though not more than six or seven years older than myself,
I being perhaps twenty-five or six.
"A'n't you ashamed of yourself, Arthur!" said she. "Do tell me--do you
intend to lie a-bed for ever?"
"Augh--pshaw!" said I. "Pray, madam, be so good as to inform me who you
are, and--augh--what you want in my chamber?"
"Come," said the lady, "don't be ridiculous, and fall into any of
your hyppoes again. Don't pretend you don't know your own sister, Ann
Megrim."
"I won't," said I; "but--augh--sister, if you have no objection, I
should like--augh--to sleep till dinner is ready."
"Dinner!" screamed my sister, Ann Megrim; "don't suppose you will ever
be able to eat a dinner again. You know the doctor says it is your hard
eating and your laziness together that have destroyed your digestive
apparatus; and that, if you don't adhere to the bran bread and hickory
ashes tea, you'll never be cured in the world."
"What!" said I, "am I sick?"
"Undoubtedly," said my sister Ann; "your digestive apparatus is all
destroyed, and your nerves too. Did not you faint last night when they
were galvanizing the bodies? Have you not lost all muscular power, so
that you do nothing but lie on a bed or sofa all day long? Oh, really,
brother Arthur Megrim, I am ashamed of you. A man like you--a young man
and a rich man, a man of family and genius, a gentleman and a scholar,
a man who might make himself governor of the state, or president of
the nation, or any thing--yet to be nothing at all except the laziest
man in Virginia, a man with no digestive apparatus, a poor nervous
hyppo--oh, it is too bad! Do get up and stir yourself. Mount your
horse, or go out in the carriage. Exercise, you know, is the only thing
to restore strength to the digestive apparatus."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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