Sheppard Lee, Written by Himself. Vol. 2 (of 2)Bird, Robert Montgomery
General
Sheppard Lee, Written by Himself. Vol. 2 (of 2)
Bird, Robert Montgomery
American fiction -- 19th century; Satire
great men vat is not so great as de oders--for de leetle great men--de
goavernors, de editors of de paper, and de mens vat you give de grand
dinners to. Vell! den I shall make de oder style--de style for de
zhentlemens and leddees in zheneral, vat vill not go to rot in de
ground like de horse and de dog--de style of de flesh unshange--vat I
call de _flesh and plood_ mummee, shuse like dis woman head mit de long
hair. Dis is de sheep plan; it vill cost no more dan de price of de
funeral. It vill be done in tree days. De poddie is made incorruptible,
proof against de water, vat you call water-proof. It is de process for
de peoples in zheneral; and I do hopes to see de day ven it shall pe in
universal adopt by all, and no more poddies put into de earth to rot,
and to make de pad health for de peoples dat live. It is de shtyle for
de unwholesome countrees. Zhentlemens, you have know dat de Egyptians
did make all dare friends mummee. Why for dey do dat? Very good
reason. De land upon de Nile vas unwholesome, and de purrying of de
poddies made it vorse. There vas no wood dere to purn de poddies. Vell
den, dey did soak dem in de petrolium, de naptha, and oder substance
antiseptique, and hide dem in de catacomb and de pyramid. Dere vas no
decay, no corruption to poison de air; it vas vise plan!
"Now, zhentlemens, I have devise my plan for de benefit of America,
vich is de most unwholesome land in de earth, full of de exhalation and
de miasm, de effluvium from de decay animal and vegetable. You shall
adopt my plan for embalm your friends, and you no have no more pad air
for de fevers, de bilious, de agues, and de plack vomit. Zhentlemens,
I have shuse complete my great secret; it vas de study of my whole
life; I have shuse succeed. I have de full and complete specimens of de
process for make de sheep mummee, de mummee of flesh and plood, de plan
for de men in zheneral, vich do always love to pe sheep. I have start
carry dem to de great city New-Orleans; and if de peoples do adopt him
dere, dey shall have no more complain of de great sickness vat kills
de peoples; for dere shall be no more rot of man's flesh in de swampy
ground. Here you see de ox-heart, de catfish, de bullfrog, de six hands
and feet, all done into flesh and plood mummee. Here is de woman's
head. It has been done dis tree year. But you shall see de grand
specimen, de complete figure, de grown man turn into de mummee, and
look more natural dan de life. Dat is de triumph of mine art! It was my
first grand specimen, done dere is now two year almost, and it did cost
me mosh expense and money, and some leetle danger. Now you shall say de
specimen is perfect, or you shall have my head; it is vat I value apove
my life--de complete! de grand! de peautiful!--But you shall see!"
10. CHAPTER X.
CONTAINING A MORE WONDERFUL DISCOVERY ON THE PART OF SHEPPARD LEE, WITH
PERHAPS THE MOST SURPRISING ADVENTURE THAT EVER BEFELL HIM.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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