Humorous stories, American; New York (N.Y.) -- Fiction; Short stories, American
Just as we slowed up to turn into the private road that leads up to
Breeze Acres, one of them dinky little one-lunger benzine buggies comes
along, missin' forty explosions to the minute and coughin' itself to
death on a grade you could hardly see. All of a sudden somethin' goes
off. Bang! and the feller that was jugglin' the steerin' bar throws up
both hands like he'd been shot with a ripe tomato.
"Caramba!" says he. "Likewise gadzooks!" as the antique quits movin'
altogether.
I'd have known that lemon-coloured pair of lip whiskers anywhere.
Leonidas Dodge has the only ones in captivity. I steps out of the
show-case in time to see mister man lift off the front lid and shove
his head into the works.
"Is the post mortem on?" says I.
"By the beard of the prophet!" says he, swingin' around, "Shorty
McCabe!"
"Much obliged to meet you," says I, givin' him the grip. "The
Electro-Polisho business must be boomin'," says I, "when you carry it
around in a gasoline coach. But go on with your autopsy. Is it
locomotor ataxia that ails the thing, or cirrhosis of the sparkin'
plug?"
"It's nearer senile dementia," says he. "Gaze on that piece of
mechanism, Shorty. There isn't another like it in the country."
"I can believe that," says I.
For an auto it was the punkiest ever. No two of the wheels was mates
or the same size; the tires was bandaged like so many sore throats; the
front dasher was wabbly; one of the side lamps was a tin stable
lantern; and the seat was held on by a couple of cleats knocked off the
end of a packing box.
"Looks like it had seen some first-aid repairin'," says I.
"Some!" says Leonidas. "Why, I've nailed this relic together at least
twice a week for the last two months. I've used waggon bolts, nuts
borrowed from wayside pumps, pieces of telephone wire, and horseshoe
nails. Once I ran twenty miles with the sprocket chain tied up with
twine. And yet they say that the age of miracles has passed! It would
need a whole machine shop to get her going again," says he. "I'll
await until my waggons come up, and then we'll get out the tow rope."
"Waggons!" says I. "You ain't travellin' with a retinue, are you?"
"That's the exact word for it," says he. And then Leonidas tells me
about the Sagawa aggregation. Ever see one of these medicine shows?
Well, that's what Leonidas had. He was sole proprietor and managing
boss of the outfit.
"We carry eleven people, including drivers and canvas men," says he,
"and we give a performance that the Proctor houses would charge
seventy-five a head for. It's all for a dime, too--quarter for
reserved--and our gentlemanly ushers offer the Sagawa for sale only
between turns."
"You talk like a three-sheet poster," says I. "Where you headed for
now?"
"We're making a hundred-mile jump up into the mill towns," says he,
"and before we've worked up as far as Providence I expect we'll have to
carry the receipts in kegs."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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