Bildungsromans; England -- Social life and customs -- Fiction; Illegitimate children -- Fiction
“They may have them, but they don’t show them. Just lately you’ve been
holding forth about the rotten way in which everybody gets hysterical
over this war. And now you’re getting hysterical over yourself, which
is much worse.”
“Damn you, Alan, if I didn’t like you so much I shouldn’t listen to
you,” said Michael, fiercely pausing.
“Well, if I didn’t like you, I shouldn’t talk,” answered Alan simply.
As they walked on again in silence for a while, Michael
continually tried to get a perspective view of his friend,
puzzling over his self-assurance, which was never offensive,
and wondering how a person so much less clever than himself
could possibly make him feel so humble. Alan was good-looking
and well-dressed; he was essentially debonair; he was
certainly in appearance the most attractive boy in the school.
It always gave Michael the most acute thrill of admiration to
see Alan swinging himself along so lithe and so graceful. It
made him want to go up and pat Alan’s shoulder and say, “You
fine and lovely creature, go on walking for ever.” But mere
good looks were not enough to explain the influence which Alan
wielded, an influence which had steadily increased during the
period of their greatest devotion to each other, and had never
really ceased during the period of their comparative
estrangement. Yet, if Michael looked back on their joint
behaviour, it had always been he who apparently led and Alan
who followed.
“Do you know, old chap,” said Michael suddenly, “you’re a great
responsibility to me.”
“Thanks very much and all that,” Alan answered, with a mocking bow.
“Have you ever imagined yourself the owner of some frightfully famous
statue?” Michael went on earnestly.
“Why, have you?” Alan countered, with his familiar look of embarrassed
persiflage.
Michael, however, kept tight hold of the thread that was guiding him
through the labyrinth that led to the arcana of Alan’s disposition.
“You’ve the same sort of responsibility,” he asserted. “I always feel
that if I were the owner of the Venus of Milo, though I could move her
about all over the place and set her up wherever I liked, I should be
responsible to her in some way. I should feel she was looking at me,
and if I put her in a wrong position, I should feel ashamed of myself
and half afraid of the statue.”
“Are you trying to prove you’re mad?” Alan enquired.
“Do be serious,” Michael begged, “and tell me if you think you
understand what I mean. Alan, you used to discuss everything with me
when we were kids, why won’t you discuss yourself now?”
Alan looked up at the sky for a moment, blinking in the sun, perhaps to
hide the tremor of feeling that touched for one instant the corners of
his mouth. Then he said:
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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