American fiction -- 20th century; Short stories, American
There were very few people in the day coaches at that time of night, so
we made a slim haul until we got to the sleeper. The Pullman conductor
met me at one door while Jim was going round to the other one. He very
politely informed me that I could not go into that car, as it did not
belong to the railroad company, and, besides, the passengers had
already been greatly disturbed by the shouting and firing. Never in all
my life have I met with a finer instance of official dignity and
reliance upon the power of Mr. Pullman’s great name. I jabbed my
six-shooter so hard against Mr. Conductor’s front that I afterward
found one of his vest buttons so firmly wedged in the end of the barrel
that I had to shoot it out. He just shut up like a weak-springed knife
and rolled down the car steps.
I opened the door of the sleeper and stepped inside. A big, fat old man
came wabbling up to me, puffing and blowing. He had one coat-sleeve on
and was trying to put his vest on over that. I don’t know who he
thought I was.
“Young man, young man,” says he, “you must keep cool and not get
excited. Above everything, keep cool.”
“I can’t,” says I. “Excitement’s just eating me up.” And then I let out
a yell and turned loose my forty-five through the skylight.
That old man tried to dive into one of the lower berths, but a screech
came out of it and a bare foot that took him in the bread-basket and
landed him on the floor. I saw Jim coming in the other door, and I
hollered for everybody to climb out and line up.
They commenced to scramble down, and for a while we had a three-ringed
circus. The men looked as frightened and tame as a lot of rabbits in a
deep snow. They had on, on an average, about a quarter of a suit of
clothes and one shoe apiece. One chap was sitting on the floor of the
aisle, looking as if he were working a hard sum in arithmetic. He was
trying, very solemn, to pull a lady’s number two shoe on his number
nine foot.
The ladies didn’t stop to dress. They were so curious to see a real,
live train robber, bless ’em, that they just wrapped blankets and
sheets around themselves and came out, squeaky and fidgety looking.
They always show more curiosity and sand than the men do.
We got them all lined up and pretty quiet, and I went through the
bunch. I found very little on them—I mean in the way of valuables. One
man in the line was a sight. He was one of those big, overgrown, solemn
snoozers that sit on the platform at lectures and look wise. Before
crawling out he had managed to put on his long, frock-tailed coat and
his high silk hat. The rest of him was nothing but pajamas and bunions.
When I dug into that Prince Albert, I expected to drag out at least a
block of gold mine stock or an armful of Government bonds, but all I
found was a little boy’s French harp about four inches long. What it
was there for, I don’t know. I felt a little mad because he had fooled
me so. I stuck the harp up against his mouth.
“If you can’t pay—play,” I says.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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