Humorous stories, American; United States -- Social life and customs -- Fiction
He started after Sherman with the beef, but when he got to Washington
Sherman had gone to Manassas; so he took the beef and followed him there,
but arrived too late; he followed him to Nashville, and from Nashville to
Chattanooga, and from Chattanooga to Atlanta--but he never could overtake
him. At Atlanta he took a fresh start and followed him clear through his
march to the sea. He arrived too late again by a few days; but hearing
that Sherman was going out in the Quaker City excursion to the Holy Land,
he took shipping for Beirut, calculating to head off the other vessel.
When he arrived in Jerusalem with his beef, he learned that Sherman had
not sailed in the Quaker City, but had gone to the Plains to fight the
Indians. He returned to America and started for the Rocky Mountains.
After sixty-eight days of arduous travel on the Plains, and when he had
got within four miles of Sherman's headquarters, he was tomahawked and
scalped, and the Indians got the beef. They got all of it but one
barrel. Sherman's army captured that, and so, even in death, the bold
navigator partly fulfilled his contract. In his will, which he had kept
like a journal, he bequeathed the contract to his son Bartholomew W.
Bartholomew W. made out the following bill, and then died:
THE UNITED STATES
In account with JOHN WILSON MACKENZIE, of New Jersey,
deceased, . . . . . . . . . . Dr.
To thirty barrels of beef for General Sherman, at $100, $3,000
To traveling expenses and transportation . . . . . 14,000
Total . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $17,000
Rec'd Pay't.
He died then; but he left the contract to Wm. J. Martin, who tried to
collect it, but died before he got through. He left it to Barker J.
Allen, and he tried to collect it also. He did not survive. Barker J.
Allen left it to Anson G. Rogers, who attempted to collect it, and got
along as far as the Ninth Auditor's Office, when Death, the great
Leveler, came all unsummoned, and foreclosed on him also. He left the
bill to a relative of his in Connecticut, Vengeance Hopkins by name, who
lasted four weeks and two days, and made the best time on record, coming
within one of reaching the Twelfth Auditor. In his will he gave the
contract bill to his uncle, by the name of O-be-joyful Johnson. It was
too undermining for joyful. His last words were: "Weep not for me--I am
willing to go." And so he was, poor soul. Seven people inherited the
contract after that; but they all died. So it came into my hands at
last. It fell to me through a relative by the name of, Hubbard
--Bethlehem Hubbard, of Indiana. He had had a grudge against me for a
long time; but in his last moments he sent for me, and forgave me
everything, and, weeping, gave me the beef contract.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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