She was silent. They moved together as in a trance towards the door. He
was remembering what she had said it would mean if she kissed him
without his asking. He was hoping. She accompanied him to the head of
the stairs. Suddenly his will-power gave way. “I’m not going. You don’t
think I’m going after to-night? You’ve shown me so much that---- Desire,
I can’t live without you.”
She took his face between her hands. “You must go. If you don’t, it’ll
be all the same. You’ve told me things, too. I’m hindering your work.
After what you’ve told me, I would refuse to see you if you stayed.
Perhaps it’s only for a little while. I may marry you some day. Who
knows? And I wouldn’t want your mother to hate me.”
They clung together in silence.
“We’ll write often?”
“Yes, often.”
“And to-morrow?”
“Phone me in the morning.”
He thought she had repeated the phrase from habit. “My last day,” he
pleaded.
“Phone me in the morning,” she reiterated.
He had said good-by; she was waving to him across the rail. He was
nearly out of sight. He turned and came bounding back.
“What is it? I can’t keep brave if you make me go through it twice.”
He caught her to him. “Give me your lips,” he panted.
She averted her face.
His arms fell from her. “I thought not,” he whispered brokenly.
He had begun to descend. At the last moment she stooped. Her lips
fluttered against his own; they neither kissed nor returned his
pressure. She fled from him trembling across the threshold. The door
shut with a bang. He waited to see her come stealing out. He was left
alone with her memory.
On returning to the Brevoort he inquired for her telegram. At first
he was told that none had arrived. He insisted. After a search it was
discovered tucked away in the wrong pigeon-hole. Paying no heed to the
clerk’s apologies, he slit the envelope and read:
“Forgive me. I’m sorry. Desire”
If only he had received it earlier! If only it had been brought to his
bedside in the morning, what a difference it would have made! She would
never have known that he had thought of going. She would have heard
nothing about her hindering his work. She would have been ignorant of
his money embarrassments. He couldn’t unsay anything now. It was as
though a force, stronger than himself, had conspired to drive him to
this crisis. He saw her in his mind’s eye, slipping out at midnight to
send him that message. His tenderness magnified her kindness and clothed
her with pathos. The unkindness of the thoughts he had had of her that
day rose up like conscience to reproach him. From the first he had
misjudged her. He had always misjudged her. He forgot all her omissions,
remembering only her periods of graciousness.
He didn’t send the cable to his mother. He went upstairs and commenced
packing. It was only a precaution, he told himself; he wasn’t really
going. To-morrow they would cease to be serious and would laugh about
to-night.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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